"You're not the contents of your wallet."

this little Fight Club quote was put to the test on friday night as my wallet was stolen from my purse, which was on the back of my chair at a nice restaurant. now, i'll give these people credit where credit is due - they were balls out on that one (or balls to the wall, for ted ;o)). after all, it's pretty hardcore to steal in that scenario, in a fairly busy restaurant. something that may have been a good idea though would have been for them to consult someone with an IQ over 85 who may have forseen that taking it mere moments before the bill came may not give them the kind of head start they would need to be able to spend all the money in my bank accounts, on my line of credit and max out the good ol' credit card. since they were severely lacking in having a "brains of the operation" (lucky for me) the only contents of my wallet that were of use to them was merely the cash. while that is annoying, it really wasn't that much and could have been so much worse!

when one's wallet is stolen, there are a number of things that happen. stages, if you will.

STAGE 1: obliviousness - you have no idea that anything is wrong so you keep on chatting away to your friend and arguing over who will be paying the bill (clearly Dani won).

STAGE 2: suspicion - you reach for your purse and realize that it feels too light, you look down and see the zipper only 3/4 of the way zipped and your OCD would never let you close a zipper in such a haphazard way. you start looking through your purse just in case you are somehow wrong in your assumption that it isn't in there. this often involves dumping your purse out on the table with reckless disregard for its contents.

STAGE 3: alerting those around you - for me this was a simple, "aw crap, some asshole took my wallet" to which my friend said, "are you sure? you might have just left it at home". oh, but i was sure. i had been in offsite meetings all day and when i got home, had taken everything out of my purse that i didn't need for going out for dinner. sadly, this did not mean my wallet. i then called one of the waiters over and asked if the people behind us had paid with a credit card in the hopes of getting his/her name and charging our bill to them (after we ordered far more, of course). however, sadly, it turns out that the people behind us had been initially seated in another area of the restaurant and had requested to move to the table behind me. after being there for about 10 minutes, they said they had to go find their friend and they left. unfortunately for them, they only had about a 10 minute head start on me.

STAGE 4: phone calls

a) the police - i called from the restaurant even though there's nothing they could do because placing an official report subsequently absolves me of responsibility for any spending done on my accounts. booya!

b) credit card - i looked up the number on my banking webpage from home and made the call. the stupid automated thingy gave 500 choices before getting to the one i wanted after asking me to enter my credit card number. awesome. then i press whatever number for "lost or stolen card" was and it asked again for my credit card number. seriously, why?! then the customer service chicky picks up and the first thing she asks for is my credit card number. at this point, i had no choice but to laugh and ask why they put us through all of this choosing crap if they don't filter us through to anyone special. in any case, that call was completed with no problem and no spending had yet taken place on my credit card. * note* this is likely due to the fact that i have written on the back of my credit card where the signature goes for them to ask for ID. a minor inconvenience for me, a difficult thing to get around as a thief.

c) the bank card people

bank dude: hello bmo, [whatever his name was], how can i help you?

me: hi, my wallet was just stolen so i'm calling to cancel my card and make sure no one's gotten to my account somehow.

bank dude: ok, i'm just going to ask you some security questions.

me: sure, go ahead.

he asks my name, permanent address and a bunch of other things

bank dude: alright, i've cancelled the card for you. is there anything else i can do for you today?

me: well yeah, i'd like to make sure there was no activity on any of my accounts this evening and i will need a new card at some point.

bank dude: it appears that there has been no activity on your cards since some time yesterday.

me: excellent.

bank dude: anything else i can do for you this evening?

me: uh, yes, i still need to arrange getting a new card.

bank dude: oh, alright, just go into any of our branches the next time they're open, show them 2 pieces of ID and they'll get you a new one.

me: but my wallet was just stolen. (long silence) so some random schmucks have all of my cards (pause) which is why i'm calling (another long silence) and that includes my ID.

bank dude: oh, you don't have another one?

me: you mean a spare wallet with extra ID in it just in case someone steals it from my purse from less than 6 inches away from my body? nope, can't say i do [keep in mind that until this point, i was in rather good spirits].

bank dude: hmmm, ok well do you have a passport?

me: why yes, yes i do. excellent!

bank dude: ok, well just go in to a branch with your passport and, i don't know, think of something else and they'll take care of that for you. have a great night and thank you for calling BMO bank of montreal. [click]

me staring at my phone. think of something else?! think of something else?!? awesome.

d) other bank dude for my student line of credit

other bank guy: thank you for calling TD Canada Trust, how can i help you?

me: hi, my wallet was just stolen so i'm calling to cancel my card and to make sure there haven't been any transactions on it yet.

bank guy: ok, i'm just going to ask some security questions. [he asks lots of them] alright, so would you like us to send your new card to your permanent address, or would you rather go into one of our branches to get a new one?

me: oh, just mail it to me please. i already have to improvise enough with my other bank.

bank guy: will do. i notice that you don't appear to have any other accounts with us, which is unusual. is that correct?

me: yes, it's just the student line of credit.

guy: are you satisfied with td canada trust's service?

me: [confused and hoping he isn't heading in the direction i think he is] uhhhh, i guess so. as you can see i still haven't used my line of credit so i can't say i've really had enough time to experience your bank yet to say for sure.

guy: well, would you say we give better service than your current bank?

me: i've had the same bank account since i was 2. they were bound to crap out on me once or twice in that time, however, i'm happy with my current set up. thank you.

guy: did you know that we offer a student chequing account that gives you up to 25 free transactions a month? you are a student, right?

me: yes, my understanding was that only students could get a student line of credit.

guy: well then, i can set you up with this account right now for your convenience.

me: [now laughing quietly to myself because i cannot believe this guy] thanks for the offer, but i have a chequing account already, so it isn't necessary.

guy: do you have a savings account? because we also offer those...

me: yeah, i have one of those too. i have no interest in switching my banking at this time.

guy: are you sure, because....blah blah blah [i'm laughing too hard to even listen and my friend Dani is yelling at the phone "do you REALLY think this is the most appropriate time to have this conversation?!"]

me: i don't mean to be rude, but it was this side of 40 minutes ago that my wallet was in my possession. if we're done here with cancelling my card and making sure those schmucks don't run up my credit, then i really have a lot of other important calls to make for which time is of the essence.

dude: ok then, if you change your mind please visit one of our branches.

me: i'll keep that in mind, i assure you. thank you for your help.

STAGE 5: improvising with your bank - i walked up to the 13 year old behind the counter and mentioned my situation and conversation with the previous guy that helped me out over the phone. after some rationalizing ("but i only have one piece of ID because my wallet was stolen. besides, isn't a passport the piece of ID that trumps all others?") i finally got a new card.

occasionally STAGE 6: nice person finds the remains of your wallet and tracks you down - on monday i got a call from work because they had just talked with a man who claimed to have found my wallet. it appears that he had found it when he was throwing cardboard in the recycling dumpster so he climbed in to retrieve it. luckily my security card for the system at work had a phone number on it - work's phone number! woo! so i got my license back, which i am the most excited about, however they did cherry pick a number of other cards out of my wallet.

Lessons learned:
1. people are fuckers
2. you'd be surprised how little anyone pays attention in a restaurant
3. the people you call when you are most in need of efficency, tact and intellect often lack some or all of those attributes
4. freaking out doesn't get you anywhere and neither does being cranky, so there's no point in either
5. improvisation skills can come in handy and be recommended at the most bizarre times
6. td canada trust apparently has an excellent student chequing account. who knew?
7. sometimes on the 3-year-iversary of living somewhere you are hit with the hard realization that you've overstayed your welcome
8. this is one way to get a free meal
9. replacing these things really isn't that much of a hassle and only takes a few minutes
10. little else in life is more satisfying than screwing over the assholes that steal from you
11. a good samaritan goes a long way
12. you can find inspiration for a blog anywhere!

A Little Known Use For Duct Tape

Recent lesson learned: There are 2 kinds of girls out there: The ones who wish they had boobs, and the ones that manage to rip their shirt on a wall because their breasts are too large.
I know, I know....this is going to require a longer version of the story.

I was at work the other day and came upon a couple girls I work with engaged in a work-related activity that was blocking my way to the freight elevator. As the manager responsible for the receiving area, I really had no choice but to squeeze by. One of the girls was sitting in the doorway and leaned to the side to allow me the space to get by. I briefly hesitated with a Fight Club inspired consideration, "Now a question of etiquette - as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?" After a moment's pause, I elect to slide along the corner of the wall with my face to it.

As I, in all my stealth, attempt to sneak past, I hear the sound of ripping material. There is a look of confusion on my face as I ponder what I could possibly attribute that to. I straighten up and look down at myself to take an inventory of my appearance. There, in a moderate amount of its glory, was a significant amount of cleavage.

At this point a few different thoughts entered my mind:

1. What the fuck?! -- this is the thought I said out loud for all to hear
2. I really hope my shift is almost over.....oh wait, it's 3:30pm. CRAP!
3. Can this somehow turn into a sexual harassment complaint for the 2 people in the room with me and my partially exposed breasts considering the fact that I'm their boss?
4. I'm so glad that I wore a bra that's the same colour as my shirt....if only the fucking thing had ripped over an area where they would be covered, but noooooooooooooooo. It just HAAAAAD to rip right over the rest of it!
5. I suddenly have a whole new appreciation for Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction a few years back.

After dropping an f-bomb and starting to laugh, I inquired to my audience (while covering the hole in my shirt) how the hell that happened. The 3 of us studied the FLAT wall and realized that the small chipped bit of plaster must be to blame.

Now I ask you, does that seem a reasonable fate to befall me?! I don't think so. It's a wall, people - a WALL! At what point in time were we voluptuously-breasted women supposed to get the memo about walls being detrimental to the health of our clothing? We already know that running can be a challenge, and that the cute bras will never be comfortable, and that we'll never be able to wear a low-backed dress because we can't go bra-less, and that we can forget those cute strappy tank tops in the summer.....but now we have to fear the wrath of the flat walls we slide by?! This is the straw that broke the camel's already fragile back.

At this time, one of the girls chose to speak up in a voice of anger and demand that I appreciate that something so ridiculous could happen to me. Yes my dear friends, she was jealous! I have to say, with cleavage everywhere and having to come up with a suitable solution for the several hours of managerial work ahead, I wasn't catching her drift.

It would appear that women with modest cup sizes have a fundamental lack of sympathy for those of us who are well-endowed. From where I'm sitting, that's just as ridiculous as being jealous of someone who has nice feet, for tripping over flat bits of floor to the detriment of her shoes.

I, for one, refused to let this wall get the better of me. I raced up to the receiving area since all of the receivers should have been gone by now, to find an adequate solution to this problem. As the doors to the elevator open on the second floor, I am confronted by one of my male coworkers, who also reports to me. Wow, this just keeps getting better. Luckily, I had a book in my hand that I promptly held close in an attempt to save myself from additional lawsuits. He started talking to me and I just smiled and nodded while making my way over to the only thing I could see that might help me -- a price gun. While this guy's back was turned, I stickered myself enough that my flesh wasn't completely exposed. Apparently my cleavage was worth 5 easy payments of $27.99. Covering myself back up with the book, I decide staying here is too risky and haul ass back to the scene of the crime.

The girls look up expectantly upon my arrival, enthralled by what I might do next. I paused at the wall responsible for my downfall and gave it the kind of glare that I'm always astounded anything survives. Turning to the girls, I let them know about our pal upstairs getting in the way of me protecting future potential victims from suffering my fate. After much encouragement and a normal Mandy-sized rant, I was able to get the ladies laughing....something they were either too polite or too jealous to do in the first place.

Reluctantly, I build up the courage to sneak back to the Manager's office where I hope to find a suitable solution to my indecent exposure. The booksellers had suggested I button up the blazer I was wearing, but alas, the reason I don't button it up is precisely because I cannot (due to my breasts, once again) and even if I did, the rip would be right in the overflow section in the middle. Great if I'm posing in a men's magazine or standing on a street corner hoping to earn a few bucks, but not so great for portraying a professional image.

Out I dash to the office where I finally let down my book guard (thank you Pillars of the Earth) for my female co-manager's amusement. After a good laugh, I re-stick the price tags to the inside of my shirt to semi hold it together, sharpe the outside black to match my shirt and throw on one of the zip-up vests that the booksellers have to wear. Phew! I look 18 and will hold absolutely no authoritative power over our fru-fru-she-shee clientele, but at least I'm not giving them a show. Just as I'm thinking that I've gotten away with minimal emotional trauma, not one but TWO other managers walk in. AWESOME! And one is a man. Oh yay, more people with whom to share my tale of woe.

My resentment of the evil plaster not having simmered, I went on a hunt for something to stop this problem for good. That solution, my dear friends, was duct tape. Anyone going in or out of that room from now on will be rip-free!

Duct tape has saved my ass many times in life. I thought the low point was when I had to take some off my car to fix my purse....but alas, I managed to reach a new low. The other lesson learned? Never have a roll of duct tape further than an arm's distance away from you. You just never know when it'll come in handy.

Gift Giving Dos and Don'ts

Christmas. That difficult time of year when we purchase presents for a multitude of people, all of whom we have a varying degree of familiarity with. What do you get that coworker? Or neighbour? Or that boyfriend/girlfriend we have this year? This last concern appears to be of particular importance to many of you out there, at least, judging from the stories I've heard. I don't presume to have all the answers, but I have learned a thing or two that may give some much needed insight.

Boys, boys, boys...I'm going to try to instill in you a little perspective on why some of those gifts may not have gone over as well as you'd planned. I know that you struggle with what to get, and some of you genuinely try hard and exert yourself to purchase that special something that will show us that you listen. I must agree that that's freaking adorable, however, you have to be careful to consider how our female minds are likely to twist such a gesture.

For example, despite the fact you think your lady is beautiful, you know she's not entirely happy with her body. She has all the usual issues that virtually all women suffer from in modern western society, but you want to show her that you have paid attention and are willing to be there for her. Christmas time rolls around and you think this may just be the opportunity you've been waiting for to be sensitive to her fragile body image and confidence. You *may* be tempted to invest in a high-quality, convenient, top of the line treadmill to assert your supportive position. This, my dear friend is suicide. While the gift may have come from a good spot, all your woman is going to see when she unwraps that delight on Christmas morning is a white flash of blinding rage. When she finally snaps out of her almost crippling anger, she (assuming she hasn't killed you yet) will promptly begin to sob uncontrollably.

What does this mean for you?

Best case scenario: singlehood.

Worst case senario: have you ever seen "Saving Private Ryan"? Picture the first 15 mins of that without an ounce of the glory and instead of a beach of lots of wounded men, it's just you....dying in a hundred different ways.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Pfffft, I would never be that stupid. What kind of idiot would do that?". Well, before you get all high and mighty you might want to take a moment to consider your history of reactions to your girlfriend or wife's concerns in that arena. I'm sure that you too have thrown the dice and lost in the game of making her feel good about herself. Now I'm not suggesting the onus is all on you. After all, the fairer sex is virtually impossible to please and there's really no "right" thing to say or do under these circumstances, I'm just simply trying to help you not screw yourself over completely.

I think it's safe to say lesson 1 is complete : No giving gifts that could, however innocent, make her think that you find her repulsive and/or think she's a fat, ugly cow.

Onto lesson #2...&3.

It's your first Christmas since moving in together and you have no idea what to get her. You race out on December 23rd, like all the other men you know, to do some shopping and notice on your way past Shopper's Drug Mart that they have a pillow with little suction cups on it so it'll stick to the bath tub. This seems like a brilliant plan since your lady likes to take baths to unwind. You are thrilled and race home to wrap it. When you put it under the tree, however, you do notice that there are an awful lot of presents under there with your name on it and you've only come bearing this one. You've got it!! You broke the antenna on her car a few weeks ago and had bought a replacement you hadn't bothered to put on yet! You'll just wrap that up too!

What you're thinking: "Even with waiting til the last minute, I've managed to get her something she can use AND something that she definitely needs!"

What she's thinking when she opens it after you've opened your stocking and new leather coat:
"Are you fucking kidding me?! Is it at all possible for him to have put any less thought into this gift?! I mean, if you're going to pay $15.99 for something, at least have it be something you made with your own hands. And the antenna for god's sake!! I wouldn't have needed a new one if you weren't so fucking clumsy in the first place!"

The Christmas joy: You'll be lucky if you get so much as a frosty glance in your direction for the rest of the day. Your punishment, no doubt, will be sitting down to have a "bath pillow" conversation every single year for the rest of your life just before the Christmas season rolls around.

Lesson #2: Shopping using gut instincts is good, but it has to be tempered with at least a modicom of thought.

Lesson #3: Don't turn something you owe her anyway into a Christmas gift. It just doesn't count.

Onto another lesson...

You are out shopping with some friends and come across a great deal on a new kitchen appliance. Tragically, it's nothing that's actually required since the current one works fine, but you decide to pick it up anyway. You *could* just put it under the tree from Santa for the whole family, but you didn't really know what to get your wife anyway, so it looks like her shopping is now complete.

What you're thinking: "Yes! Ba-bam! Wife's gifts now complete. Since she does all the Christmas shopping for the kids and all of our family and friends, all I have to do is whip up a stocking and I'm ready to rock. " You then commence quietly humming Christmas carols to yourself.

What she's thinking when she opens it: "......Oooooook, this must just be the box he used to wrap the gift in. Oh.........nope, there's for sure a microwave in here. *sigh* This is ri-goddamn-diculous! He has one person to buy for, ONE and he can't manage? Why is this MY gift? Am I the only one using it?! So not only does he have no intention of ever cooking, BUT he now has no intention of even reheating the left overs?! FUCKER!!"

Christmas joy: Your wife's disappointment translates to bitchy looks and comments, and probably an argument or two.

Lesson #4: If you aren't buying something with her in mind specifically, perhaps you should reconsider. If it's particularly extravagant, maybe having a conversation with her about that just being your gift to each other would be appropriate. Volunteering that she take one for the team without consulting her may not be worth it.

One last thing to consider....

You're feeling neglected in the bedroom because you don't think your lady is putting out enough, so you take Christmas as an opportunity to go to the local bookstore and air out your issues with your relationship to the nearest bookseller. You then ask her what book you can get for your girlfriend for Christmas that will tell her to have sex with you more often.

What the bookseller is thinking: AWKWARD!! Did you ever think that maybe YOU'RE the problem, asshole??"

What you're thinking: I sincerely have no idea what you're thinking or why you could ever think that's at all an apporpriate thing to do.

What she'll think if she opens it: "Uh, right. So you're unhappy with me, our relationship, you're broadcasting the shortcomings of our relationship to strangers in public places, and you've gotten me a gift that is actually a gift for you. You want me to read this so I can satisfy you more. Yeah, celebrating the birth of Christ should REALLY be all about you getting laid."

Christmas joy: You will likely never find yourself in bed with this woman again. If you do, it'll be a Christmas miracle...likely one for the Christmas after the one you're currently celebrating.

I hope this has shed some light for you on appropriate gift giving etiquette. This all being said, getting gifts is not the most important thing in the world and it should never be the focus of any relationship. The focus should always be on the giving. Afterall, why give a gift if it isn't coming from the heart? And it is that, my dear friends, that many women react to - feeling as though the gift was purchased just to get her off the Christmas list and not because you actually wanted to give her something thoughtful. As long as you sincerely do that, you have nothing to worry about.

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and all the best in 2008. :o)

Psych Evaluation

For those of you who are unaware, I commence studies for my Masters in psychology in a few short weeks. I figure nothing would be better than actually setting up one of these quiz things to see just how bang on I am before I even take any classes. I sense that my increasing knowledge will be directly related to loss of friends once the pursuit of this degree is fully underway. People seem to be nervous about my "ability" to figure them out once I've attained socially sanctioned credentials. What I hope to show in this post is that I, in fact, have had everyone figured out for some time; often within mere minutes of meeting someone. So please, pull up a seat or perhaps some kleenex, and let's get in touch with your inner self (maybe I'll even reveal an appropriate treatment plan).

Ok, everyone knows how this is done. I'm going to give a scenario, and you need to pick one of the responses below as the most appropriate reaction/answer. Please score yourself honestly. At the end, you will tabulate your answers and find out what that says about you as a person.

DISCLAIMER: THIS TEST WILL NOT BE SANCTIONED BY THE GOVERNING BODIES WHO WILL, AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE, CHOOSE WHETHER OR NOT I AM FIT FOR COPING WITH EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE PEOPLE. TO THIS END, I MUST INSIST THAT ANYONE ENTERTAINING THE NOTION OF GIVING THEM THIS LINK AUTOMATICALLY SCORE THEMSELVES IN THE "D" SECTION.

Let's rock....

1. Antropov gets a hat trick. Your reaction to this is:

a) "Mwahahahahhahaaa [maniacal laughter], the day is mine!!"

b) A long period of stunned silence, followed abruptly with an F-bomb and the muffled sound of you vomiting.

c) You're impressed. Afterall, Nik's been waiting a long time and working hard for this payoff.

d) You wonder at what point magicians started getting air time on sports shows...in any case, if this "antropov" is that good with hats, you assume he'd be good at tricks in the bedroom too. You subsequently commence stalking him.


2. The Canadian dollar is above the American dollar for the first time in what feels like a million years. In response, you react with:

a) "Mwahahahahhahaa, the day is mine!!"

b) A swelling sense of pride in your country and a hearty "booya bitches!"

c) You were already prepared for this turn of events since you keep yourself educated in current events and economics.

d) You get swept up in the media of it all, hop in your car and floor it all the way to Chapters. Upon reviewing the price on all random books you pick up and discovering the US/Cdn price discrepancy, you promptly start yelling at every bookseller you find. Afterall, it is absolutely ludicrous that they hadn't gotten the books reprinted after seeing the news this morning, and besides, it's not like the US is a separate country or anything! IDIOTS!


3. Your significant other catches you in a blatant lie. Your reaction is to:

a) Unload a "you don't know, you don't know me" in your best day-time-talk-show-guest-from-the-trailer-park voice and hope he or she leaves it alone.

b) Try to lessen the pain on yourself by asking probing questions in an attempt to assess just how much shit you're in before you come clean. You then sit there and, more or less, take what you have coming.

c) Tears spring to your eyes and you immediately apologize and let them know that you've been feeling so bad about lying but you just couldn't find the right opportunity to let them know.

d) You're too proud (and by proud, I mean stupid) to come clean at all and instead you elect to exacerbate the issue by continuing to lie and picking a fight. Once you are pretty sure you've turned the tables around, you add the finishing touch by comparing them to a previous boyfriend or girlfriend that they know you have distain for in a particularly harsh manner (ie. I feel like I'm dating John 2.0....only you weren't an upgrade! You're like Vista...you know, you SEEMED like an upgrade but you're, amazingly, an even bigger pain in the ass!!)


4. A friend lets you know that it is the 27th anniversary of John Lennon's death. You respond with:

a) "Mwahahahaa, the day is mine!!"

b) "Oh my god, I KNOW! I can't believe the world has been without his genius for so long."

c) "Hmmm, wow. It's incredible he is still able to touch the lives of so many through his music"

d) "Johnnie in the who now? The only Johnnie I know is a Mr. Walker.....come to Mama."


5. Your daughter lets you know that she will be divorcing her husband of 20 years. When asked the reason, she mentions his infidelity and the fact that, if she's honest with herself, they haven't really been happy for years. You react with:

a) "He don't know, he don't know you!"

b) Giving her a hug and asking what you can do to help.

c) Letting her know that these things happen and that you support her no matter what.

d) You get angry with her for her deceit. How dare she and her kids lie to you all these years and trick you into thinking they're the perfect family! This is, afterall, all about you.


6. You discover without a doubt that your father's having an affair. You:

a) Curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb for the next 3 years.

b) Give the "other woman" a funny, yet, derrogatory nickname and proceed to make their lives a living hell in the most amusing and overt manner possible.

c) Confront him with your concerns and give him a chance to explain himself.

d) Get excited at the prospect of getting another mommy. Ohhhh, this means another person to buy you gifts at Christmas and your birthday! AND if you let them know you know, maybe the payoffs can start now....ohhh goody! Best dad EVER!!


7. You suspect that a friend that you work with is dating another coworker that you have a secret crush on. Despite the fact that you're living with your significant other, you:

a) Laugh maniacally

b) Sigh, and think "Ah well, at least someone cool gets him [or her]".

c) Are relieved. Now you can just focus on this person as a friend and not have to worry about your little crush getting in the way.

d) Slowly but surely you go about making your former friend's work life a living hell and sabotaging all aspects of their job amidst complaining vocally to whomever will hear you about the declining quality of work this person contributes to the team.


8. A friend tells you that they're going home to watch Liar Liar tonight. You:

a) Stare at them for a long period of time, totally silent until your friend feels so awkward that they leave.

b) Laugh and start whipping out lines from the movie in your best Jim Carrey voice (ie. "He's the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! He has his head so far up Mr. Allen's ass I can't tell where he ends and Mr. Allen begins. Simmons?! Simmons is old. He should have been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife. You've all seen her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets hammered and calls him a retard. You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hair piece is so bad I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off your head and bury it alive!! Idiot, degenerate, SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!"), followed by convulsive laughter.

c) Concur that it was a good movie and decide a movie night might be just what you need.

d) Think to yourself, if she wants to see a liar all she has to do is pay a little more attention to anything that comes out of your mouth.


9. A friend wants you to be their euchre partner tonight. You respond with:

a) Random gargling sounds.

b) "Oh YEAH baby! ba-bam, those other bitches are going down!! They'll be calling us Daddy in no time!"

c) "I can dig it. Sign me up!"

d) "Oh, I thought you'd never ask!". You then proceed to think about what all euchre involves. You're not entirely certain, but you think it's one of those fancy positions that are all the rage in those kama sutra books you saw at Chapters. You again curse Chapters under your breath for single handedly ruining your life. If they'd just embrace the US being our actual country and let you pay the american price, you would have had that book and would be fully prepared for the activities tonight is bound to hold. Upon more consideration, you wonder if "euchre" might be some sort of code for V.D.. Not to be outdone, you resolve to go anyway, but to stop by Chapters first to skim the book for clues.


10. You are walking down a busy sidewalk in one of Canada's biggest cities. You are:

a) Involuntarily mimicking some of the ridiculous walks from Monty Python.

b) Hauling ass and taking no prisoners Toronto-style.

c) Politely keeping pace with people around you, being sure to make eye contact and smile at anyone that passes you.

d) Acting like you are the only one in the entire city. You stop abruptly every time something shiny catches your eye, you randomly swerve in front of people and you open your umbrella with reckless disregard for anyone in your vicinity.


The Evaluation

Mostly A's

Analysis In all liklihood, you are missing at least one chromosome. In fact, I'm not even convinced you would have been able to read this blog so it is likely entirely irrelevant.

Treatment There isn't one, pumpkin. I hope for your sake that you're pretty enough to make up for your intellectual downfalls.


Mostly B's

Analysis Congratulations! You are, essentially, me! This is by far the highest honour one could have bestowed upon them. You are a warm, loving person with a wonderful sense of humour who is clearly destined for greatness. People have a hard time living in your shadow, but since they are anyway, they have to learn to cope.

Treatment Are you kidding? Who would want to change any of that?


Mostly C's

Analysis You are a nauseatingly well-balanced individual. You are the person that all of us wish we had scored as, but since we all answered honestly, we didn't. In fact, you're probably also under the age of 10. Enjoy this state of existence while it lasts....it is inevitable that you will be jaded by some fucker who takes advantage. Word to the wise? Never date.

Treatment You could take up counselling as a preemptive strike against impending doom, but really, you should just sit back and enjoy.


Mostly D's

Analysis You are, in all probability, a syphyllis ridden whore with noone in your life who actually likes you. Since you're a raging bitch, you won't agree with anything I'm saying here, nor will you seek the help I will presently suggest for you. Please do everyone in your life a favour and seek this treatment anyway.

Treatment A shot of penicillin and then run, don't walk, to my place as fast as possible. As soon as you get here, take a running swan dive off my balcony.


Now, if only I'd thought to submit this as my entrance essay I not only would have nailed acceptance to the program BUT they probably would have just handed over the degree instead of making me earn it. Ah well, live and learn. Should anyone want to discuss the things they learned about themselves here, please feel free to contact me. I suggest doing it before August 2009 when I can officially charge for the heart to hearts. ;o)

Mandy's 2007 Must Read List

People have been inquiring about a follow up to last year's "Prostituting My Literacy" post about the year's best reads as experienced by moi. Since I live to give, I figured I'd better come through with a 2007 edition of great reads. Well, that and the fact that I feel moderately guilty about taking such long leaves of absence from paying attention to my blog. I apologize to anyone who checks it with any regularity whatsoever. I hope that this EXTRA good list and my 2 following entries this month will offer me some redemption.

I had lunch with a friend and former coworker the other day which was lovely, but it forced me to acknowledge that I haven't been doing nearly enough reading as of late. I actually came across a couple books this year that I loved so much, I just kept rereading them instead of actually picking up anything new. That being said, upon further consideration I realize that my reading list may not be as pathetic as I feared at first glance. I'll commence with the ones that were so good, I was compelled to read them 4 times each...this year alone. Here we go. :o)

The Time Traveler's Wife
by Audrey Niffenegger

This novel is so good that it nearly renders me speechless (astounding, I know). All I find myself capable of saying over and over again is "You have to read it". The premise may sound a little hokey, but I assure you, it's done so brilliantly, I actually had to force myself to take a few months off reading it.

Essentially, it's a love story. The main character, Henry, is a librarian who involuntarily and virtually without warning is thrust through time periodically. This time travelling is incredibly distressing, as I'm sure you can imagine should the same thing happen to you. This is an unfortunate fate that he first suffers as a child and is doomed to suffer for the remainder of his life. Through his experiences, he discovers that he continually travels mostly back in time and mostly to significant events he's experienced. When he is well into adulthood, he surprisingly finds himself making brief visits to his wife's childhood. He befriends Claire when she is just 6 years old. Henry becomes a significant figure in young Claire's life, especially since she lives life in the normal chronological way. Henry comes and goes throughout her childhood, leaving Claire longing for a chance to meet him in real time to start a life together. When this, in fact, does happen though, Henry has no idea who she is since he has not yet met her. It is fascinating to watch them fall in love twice...once from the perspecitive of a young Claire with Henry knowing all the answers, and once from the perspective of a 20-something Henry with Claire knowing all the answers. It is an enchanting and spellbinding story of the bonds we make and the depths of which we are capable of experiencing love. I seriously can't say anything at all to do this book any justice. Please just read it.

As an interesting sidenote, filming commenced for the movie adaptation in Toronto this past August. It stars Eric Bana as Henry and Rachel McAdams as Claire. I'm more than a little bitter about this since I would have wanted to be Claire, but whatever. In any case, please read the book, don't wait for the film because it will surely pale in comparison.

Lamb: The Gospel According to Bif, Christ's Childhood Pal
by Christopher Moore

Sweet mother of god, this is the funniest book I have ever read and I've read it a million times this year. I have also given away and sold so many copies that Christopher Moore himself should send me a personal thank you....or better yet, a signed first edition hardcover of the book. ;o)
I think the title gives you a pretty good idea of what this is all about. It follows the fictional life of Christ, or Josh as Bif calls him, throughout the years the bible doesn't follow. It starts when he's about 6 and follows him for the rest of his life. Bif is Josh's trouble-attracting sidekick and best friend in the whole wide world. They embark on a number of journey's together, many of which are actual events referred to in the bible, but with a fictional spin. This novel was very well researched and still upholds an appropriate level of respect towards Jesus, should you be concerned about that. It illustrates Joshua's struggle to figure out how to be the Messiah and his attempts at understanding sin (Bif's favourite part since it means he has Christ's permission to get it on with some ladies so he can recount what sin is like...all in the name of friendship of course). Bif has a huge crush on the Mary formerly known as "virgin" which Josh doesn't respond all that well to. "Don't let anyone ever tell you that the Prince of Peace never struck anyone". Moore is a master of his craft and downright flaunts it in this hilarious account of what Christ might have been like. I laughed out loud through much of this novel and I love, love, LOVE it!! Please do yourself a favour and read it. You won't be sorry. :o)

The Book Thief
by Markus Zusak

Oh, The Book Thief. This book can actually be found in the teen fiction section of your favourite neighbourhood book store, but that doesn't mean it is only appropriate for teens. I received this book from this year's Random House conference and couldn't wait to get started (more about this year's Random House conference below)!

This novel is narrated from the point of view of the angel of death during world war two. It is largely historical fiction, set in Germany and this loveable grim reaper takes a particular interest in a girl he comes across when he shows up to take her brother. He tells you of her life fleeing to safety, being raised by strangers, and how she becomes a book thief. It is an easy read, but a great one. It isn't every day that you get to hear about a girl that the angel of death is enamoured with. A great story about love, friendship, hope and making your own family when the ones you were dealt can't be with you. It was great.

The Year of Living Biblically
by A. J. Jacobs

Ok, this was also an advanced reading copy of mine that I'm so glad I came across! I knew of this author from his first work "The Know-It-All", which he wrote about reading the entire encyclopedia brittanica from A to Z, but I had not actually read anything by him. I'm not gonna lie to you, I mostly just wanted to read it because I was optimistic that it might help me control my urge to read Lamb a fifth time.

This is a non-fiction read, in case you didn't know that, and can actually be found in the biography section. A. J. was raised in a Jewish home and identified as a jew, but realized that he knew very little about the torah and what the bible really wants you to be doing. To this end, he decides to pick up the bible and actually read through all of it, marking down the rules he is to follow, as literally as possible. He decides to devote most of the year to the old testament, since it takes for-freaking-ever to get the rules down on that, and the latter portion adding the new testament learnings. What he finds is that there are an AWFUL lot of rules that are incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to follow, his wife doesn't appreciate being declared "unclean" for a week a month and forbidden from not only contact with him, but contact with any of the same inanimate objects, and most importantly, he gains an entirely new appreciation for any and all religions and the commmitment it takes to truly be a part of one. It was a really interesting read in which I learned a thing or two and I found that, between bouts of overt laughter that attracted attention from strangers around me, it made me think. It was a good read that I'd recommend to anyone.

The Other Side of the Bridge
by Mary Lawson

This author is better known for her first book, Crow Lake. I have read and enjoyed both, and would recommend Crow Lake as well, but there was just something about her second kick at the can that I found absolutely incredible.

For those of you that haven't read any Mary Lawson, she is an Ontario born and bred author who has set both her stories in fictional towns in nothern Ontario. Both books focus on something significant and tragic happening within the family that sets in motion an unchangeable series of events in the lives of the characters.

In The Other Side of the Bridge, she manages to create a very powerful story told from two different perspectives, in two different times focused on one person. One of these narrators is Arthur, the son of a farmer and the focus of the story. Told from his point of view as he's growing up in the 30's, we see his intense sibling rivalry with his brother, jealousy, and the paths both he and his brother must go on to survive their experiences first hand. The other is a teenage son of the small town's doctor who lives in the same community as Arthur, allowing us a glimpse at the man Arthur has become.

It is powerfully written, emotionally gripping and will not let go until you witness the last series of actions to drastically alter life for all of our characters.

Fifteen Days: Stories of Bravery, Friendship, Life and Death From Inside the New Canadian Army
by Christie Blachford

I am almost incapable of speaking about this book. In fact, I have found it so powerful that I have not yet even finished reading it, but still I will recommend with reckless abandon. I think that everyone in this country should pick up this book, if for no other reason than to truly understand what these brave men and women do for our country every single day.

Christie Blachford has written a breath taking account of life in Afganistan for our soldiers. Through countless interviews with our troops overseas, she was able to piece together 15 days of particular importance to our countrymen and it is told solely through their eyes. She is but a vessel used to tell the stories of these soldiers and their families. You watch the events through their eyes, seeing it so clearly it's as if you're sitting right there by their side. It is an incredible testament to the sheer will power, courage and humanity of our troops. The least we can all do is read it and muster up some newfound appreciation for what they do for us. I assure you, you will never look at or think about any soldier, past, present or future, the same way again.


More on this year's Random House conference:

Hitman

by Bret "The Hitman" Hart

For you wrestling fans out there, a club of which I cannot claim to be a part, The Hitman has a new book out about his life AND I got to chat with him! And I have proof! Woo!
--->

He has led a very interesting life and overcome some seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Bret is a fascinating, strong and articulate man...and I hope to be his next wife. Thank you Random house!! :o)




Ok everyone, I hope this offers you some direction in which to seek out your next reads. Should you desire any additional assistance, please do not hesitate to ask. Happy reading! :o)

There's a Girl in the Boy's Bathroom

*anyone who gets that reference gets a high 5*

I am both shocked and appalled at an experience I had while I was home. Please, allow me to paint you a picture...

The Team of Terror and a couple girl friends of mine decide to rock out P-Town style one night while we were home. As many of you can attest, any amount of "rockin' out" in the 'Borough often includes alcohol, so you can bet that our evening did as well. Our first stop was to a friend's to visit and, for the non-DDs, pre-drinking. Then, and I'm ashamed to say it, we were lured unwittingly into Sin City due to the lengthy lines at the bar we wanted to go to and the sheer amount of time that had elapsed since last bestowing it patronage. After paying a truly offensive $5 in cover (for those of you that don't know, Sin City is bar so sordid that you feel oddly violated paying for the experience), we strut in like we own the place. Upon reexamining this bar after years of not having entered it, we promptly panic and feel dirty all over. Luckily, we are champions of making the best of things and, with a little help from Sir Mix-A-Lot, we hit the dance floor. A few songs and some funny photographs later we've had enough and decide to roll out to Petrina's to play pool and attempt to sweet talk our way up to The Junction. It is here that our story really begins....

Again, for anyone who is unaware, the Junction/Riley's/Petrina's is Peterborough's only bar that can lay any claim to so much as a modicom of class or standards. It is nicely laid out and decorated, you don't frequently get hit on by filthy men at least 30 years your senior, and it's a pretty safe bet that the percentage of people exhibiting psychological symptoms of their STDs is substantially reduced. In fact, they even have a dress code so even if the whorish chickies are out in full force (and they always are), at least they're wearing a little something. With all this in mind, I shall continue.

Since we just want to play pool, we are able to avoid the line outside and get right into Petrina's. Once inside, we break the news to the token male that he'll have to grab a table solo while we powder our noses. No, this wasn't your usual "girl posse to the bathroom" time, there was alcohol involved therefore, it's fair to assume an element of critical importance. The 3 of us practically sprint through the place to the washrooms. We race down the stairs only to realize that the women we see chatting on the staircase aren't just there trying to earn an extra buck from the men that pass by...oh no, they are in line. I, of course, am horrified and forced to unload my most notorious Mandyism "RIGODDAMNDICULOUS!" and promptly proceed to whine........and then! a glimmer of hope! The men's washroom door opens to reveal a mere 3 guys waiting inside! We look at each other, lay down a hearty collective, "F this S", and head in the direction of salvation.

Men, you needn't worry. We women are not stupid and have realistic expectations of the washrooms you use. We pay attention to the utter lack of cleanliness in your apartments, we take note of the fact that you'll wear the same socks day in and day out, we know there is an ever present pile of random crap in your closet regardless of how tidy the rest of your home may look; we know what you're capable of. Clearly us 3 girls are aware that the best course of action for us to employ is avoidance. Under no circumstances, no matter how much toilet paper we place on that toilet seat, will we actually be sitting on it - hovering is the only answer.

Only...what is this?! The door is still swinging shut from our bold entrance when we stop dead in our tracks, awestruck by what we are bearing witness to. The room is brightly lit, the mirrors are clean, there is a clear order in which the guys are permitting one another to use the facilities. That alone would be enough to pleasantly surprise us, but there's more... Laid out along the counter are various colognes! There is a container with no less than 20 different packs of gum and a bowl of mints! The men are good natured about us barging in on their privacy (though we were good about steering clear of the urinal area) and make a point of chatting with us. There are small, neat piles of folded paper towels, and...no, it can't be....oh but it is! Sweet mother of god, there's a man in the washroom HANDING OUT PAPER TOWELS!!! We are astounded. Our 20-odd years of life experience has ill-prepared us for the wonders we saw this night.

A few men behind us in line, in an attempt to capitalize on our brief moment of utter amazement and wonder, make a run for the next available stall, but they fail! Hahaha suckers! Getting beaten by a woman in the one sacred place a man should be free to revel in a modest amount of peace did not appeal after that and the other 2 of us were permitted the next available stalls sans confrontation. Thankfully we hadn't lost all sight of rational thought and each continued to employ our "hovering" tactic. After washing my hands and marvelling at the selection of goodies, I kindly received a towel from the nice smiling man and went on my way meeting my girls in the stairwell.

Before climbing up the stairs to continue our night-o-pool, I take a look in the Women's Washroom to see if it has changed since I last used it. Much to my chagrin, I note that it hasn't. It is void of the plethora of mints, gum and perfumes; there is the faint sound of saddness where welcoming banter from others using the facilities should be and, most tragically, it is bereft of a nice, friendly person to hand out paper towels. In fact, the only noteable paraphernalia is the mountain range of used paper towels stretching for (seemingly) miles. A stark contrast indeed to the posh boys restroom!

Up the stairs we trudge, curious about the inequalities we have witnessed, wondering in how many other subtle instances women are being debased, pondering the decision to spend resources equipping a restroom so fancily for a gender that would least utilize the blessings at their fingertips.... At least, I know this to be true as far as the use of the paper towels is concerned since I witnessed perhaps 1 in 5 men wash their hands - EW! Luckily we were able to exact our revenge in the form of kicking our alpha male's butt in pool (him sinking the cue ball at the same time as the 8 ball still means we win, ok? Geez.)

I am disillusioned and have thus resigned myself to habitually making use of the Men's facilities...at least in that establishment. I shall henceforth refuse to use the substandard Ladies room like a sucker!

Signs That You're Awesome: Part 1

*based on true events*

If you are walking down the street with a stuffed nose and you plug one nostril to snort your snot all over the sidewalk in front of you....Let's face it, with our garbage dumps getting out of hand, resisting the urge to waste precious commodities (ie. Kleenex) is paramount and must never be forgotten. Oh strange man from my walk home, you are awesome.


Similarly, if you are on a crowded bus where people are literally packed in to the point of being unable to move and you feel the need to, not only cough, but hork up phlegm like there's no tomorrow with reckless disregard for those in your vicinity.....how can I be expected to deal with all the great and awesome people around me on my trips to and from work? Thank you ma'am, for showing me not only how to be awesome, but how to revel in my own femininity.


If you feel compelled to "shush" a book seller at the local bookstore while they're helping another customer because it's disrupting your reading of materials you have not yet paid for.....If it has books then obviously it should be like a library. I mean, it's not like it's a store or a place of business or anything. Thank you for blazing new trails in appropriate retail establishment behaviour. You, kind sir, are awesome.


If you arrive at the checkout with a stack of books not yet having decided what you wish to purchase, thereby holding up a lengthy line customers behind you for several minutes while you decide.....awesome. Double points if it's Christmas Eve


If you and your spouse drop your children (ages 3 and 7) off at the local bookstore in the kids section while you disappear for a romantic day on the town...you are a shining star in the sky of parenting; something to which all parents can aspire. The sun around which the universe of parenting revolves. Instilling independence early is key. Babying them will teach them nothing. You, my idols, are awesome.


If you propose to a cashier that they give you a refund now for the $300 atlas you bought weeks ago but you didn't bring with you (it's heavy, you know. You'll bring it by some other time...when...uh...it loses some weight?) and get angry when you're refused, asking "What? Don't you trust me?"......what is the world coming to when complete and total strangers haven't established some sort of deep bond of trust with you? Thank you sir for reminding us of the good hearted nature this world has lost. Your determination to be trusted is unparalleled and for that, you are awesome.


If the cashier helping you has to repeatedly draw your attention to the fact that your 3 yr old son keeps wandering dangerously close to the exit (which empties onto the busiest intersection in the city) AND has to snap you into reality when your child is taking a pee all over the floor directly in front of you.....you are AWESOME! It's remarkable how some people can manage to be the best parents in the world without even paying the slightest bit of attention to their kids. I guess it's just natural for some people.


and the finale...


If you are incredibly passionate about the in-stock position of a particular title to the point where it moves you to yelling at book store staff....You are truly awesome, the epitome of class and the light of my life.

The details of this incident would be better explained by an excerpt from a recent email I sent out. The recipient requested that it be posted in our next blog:

I was called to the front desk in my store to do some management "talk-the-customer-off-the-ledge-before-we-take-her-out-back-and-beat-her-within-an-inch-of-her-life" kind of service. It would appear that this customer, a woman no less (now I know the types that are giving us a bad rep), was livid beyond all reason because not only did we not have the book in stock that she wanted, BUT we had the audacity to not even have it on order. *sigh* So, I launched into explaining how even though it's a new title, there are millions of books and we can't possibly keep them all in stock in all of our stores all of the time, blah blah blah. Finally, only barely resisting the urge to jersey her and kick her out the front door, I looked it up for myself.................it was a self help book................for anger management. It was all I could do to not laugh at the sheer irony of it all. I can tell you that I was VERY sincere in my efforts to get her this book ASAP since it was quite clear she was in desparate need of whatever wisdom it could possibly impart.


and the encore

If you wait 2 1/2 months to update your blog....YOU ARE AWESOME!!!! :o)