Gift Giving Dos and Don'ts

Christmas. That difficult time of year when we purchase presents for a multitude of people, all of whom we have a varying degree of familiarity with. What do you get that coworker? Or neighbour? Or that boyfriend/girlfriend we have this year? This last concern appears to be of particular importance to many of you out there, at least, judging from the stories I've heard. I don't presume to have all the answers, but I have learned a thing or two that may give some much needed insight.

Boys, boys, boys...I'm going to try to instill in you a little perspective on why some of those gifts may not have gone over as well as you'd planned. I know that you struggle with what to get, and some of you genuinely try hard and exert yourself to purchase that special something that will show us that you listen. I must agree that that's freaking adorable, however, you have to be careful to consider how our female minds are likely to twist such a gesture.

For example, despite the fact you think your lady is beautiful, you know she's not entirely happy with her body. She has all the usual issues that virtually all women suffer from in modern western society, but you want to show her that you have paid attention and are willing to be there for her. Christmas time rolls around and you think this may just be the opportunity you've been waiting for to be sensitive to her fragile body image and confidence. You *may* be tempted to invest in a high-quality, convenient, top of the line treadmill to assert your supportive position. This, my dear friend is suicide. While the gift may have come from a good spot, all your woman is going to see when she unwraps that delight on Christmas morning is a white flash of blinding rage. When she finally snaps out of her almost crippling anger, she (assuming she hasn't killed you yet) will promptly begin to sob uncontrollably.

What does this mean for you?

Best case scenario: singlehood.

Worst case senario: have you ever seen "Saving Private Ryan"? Picture the first 15 mins of that without an ounce of the glory and instead of a beach of lots of wounded men, it's just you....dying in a hundred different ways.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Pfffft, I would never be that stupid. What kind of idiot would do that?". Well, before you get all high and mighty you might want to take a moment to consider your history of reactions to your girlfriend or wife's concerns in that arena. I'm sure that you too have thrown the dice and lost in the game of making her feel good about herself. Now I'm not suggesting the onus is all on you. After all, the fairer sex is virtually impossible to please and there's really no "right" thing to say or do under these circumstances, I'm just simply trying to help you not screw yourself over completely.

I think it's safe to say lesson 1 is complete : No giving gifts that could, however innocent, make her think that you find her repulsive and/or think she's a fat, ugly cow.

Onto lesson #2...&3.

It's your first Christmas since moving in together and you have no idea what to get her. You race out on December 23rd, like all the other men you know, to do some shopping and notice on your way past Shopper's Drug Mart that they have a pillow with little suction cups on it so it'll stick to the bath tub. This seems like a brilliant plan since your lady likes to take baths to unwind. You are thrilled and race home to wrap it. When you put it under the tree, however, you do notice that there are an awful lot of presents under there with your name on it and you've only come bearing this one. You've got it!! You broke the antenna on her car a few weeks ago and had bought a replacement you hadn't bothered to put on yet! You'll just wrap that up too!

What you're thinking: "Even with waiting til the last minute, I've managed to get her something she can use AND something that she definitely needs!"

What she's thinking when she opens it after you've opened your stocking and new leather coat:
"Are you fucking kidding me?! Is it at all possible for him to have put any less thought into this gift?! I mean, if you're going to pay $15.99 for something, at least have it be something you made with your own hands. And the antenna for god's sake!! I wouldn't have needed a new one if you weren't so fucking clumsy in the first place!"

The Christmas joy: You'll be lucky if you get so much as a frosty glance in your direction for the rest of the day. Your punishment, no doubt, will be sitting down to have a "bath pillow" conversation every single year for the rest of your life just before the Christmas season rolls around.

Lesson #2: Shopping using gut instincts is good, but it has to be tempered with at least a modicom of thought.

Lesson #3: Don't turn something you owe her anyway into a Christmas gift. It just doesn't count.

Onto another lesson...

You are out shopping with some friends and come across a great deal on a new kitchen appliance. Tragically, it's nothing that's actually required since the current one works fine, but you decide to pick it up anyway. You *could* just put it under the tree from Santa for the whole family, but you didn't really know what to get your wife anyway, so it looks like her shopping is now complete.

What you're thinking: "Yes! Ba-bam! Wife's gifts now complete. Since she does all the Christmas shopping for the kids and all of our family and friends, all I have to do is whip up a stocking and I'm ready to rock. " You then commence quietly humming Christmas carols to yourself.

What she's thinking when she opens it: "......Oooooook, this must just be the box he used to wrap the gift in. Oh.........nope, there's for sure a microwave in here. *sigh* This is ri-goddamn-diculous! He has one person to buy for, ONE and he can't manage? Why is this MY gift? Am I the only one using it?! So not only does he have no intention of ever cooking, BUT he now has no intention of even reheating the left overs?! FUCKER!!"

Christmas joy: Your wife's disappointment translates to bitchy looks and comments, and probably an argument or two.

Lesson #4: If you aren't buying something with her in mind specifically, perhaps you should reconsider. If it's particularly extravagant, maybe having a conversation with her about that just being your gift to each other would be appropriate. Volunteering that she take one for the team without consulting her may not be worth it.

One last thing to consider....

You're feeling neglected in the bedroom because you don't think your lady is putting out enough, so you take Christmas as an opportunity to go to the local bookstore and air out your issues with your relationship to the nearest bookseller. You then ask her what book you can get for your girlfriend for Christmas that will tell her to have sex with you more often.

What the bookseller is thinking: AWKWARD!! Did you ever think that maybe YOU'RE the problem, asshole??"

What you're thinking: I sincerely have no idea what you're thinking or why you could ever think that's at all an apporpriate thing to do.

What she'll think if she opens it: "Uh, right. So you're unhappy with me, our relationship, you're broadcasting the shortcomings of our relationship to strangers in public places, and you've gotten me a gift that is actually a gift for you. You want me to read this so I can satisfy you more. Yeah, celebrating the birth of Christ should REALLY be all about you getting laid."

Christmas joy: You will likely never find yourself in bed with this woman again. If you do, it'll be a Christmas miracle...likely one for the Christmas after the one you're currently celebrating.

I hope this has shed some light for you on appropriate gift giving etiquette. This all being said, getting gifts is not the most important thing in the world and it should never be the focus of any relationship. The focus should always be on the giving. Afterall, why give a gift if it isn't coming from the heart? And it is that, my dear friends, that many women react to - feeling as though the gift was purchased just to get her off the Christmas list and not because you actually wanted to give her something thoughtful. As long as you sincerely do that, you have nothing to worry about.

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and all the best in 2008. :o)

Psych Evaluation

For those of you who are unaware, I commence studies for my Masters in psychology in a few short weeks. I figure nothing would be better than actually setting up one of these quiz things to see just how bang on I am before I even take any classes. I sense that my increasing knowledge will be directly related to loss of friends once the pursuit of this degree is fully underway. People seem to be nervous about my "ability" to figure them out once I've attained socially sanctioned credentials. What I hope to show in this post is that I, in fact, have had everyone figured out for some time; often within mere minutes of meeting someone. So please, pull up a seat or perhaps some kleenex, and let's get in touch with your inner self (maybe I'll even reveal an appropriate treatment plan).

Ok, everyone knows how this is done. I'm going to give a scenario, and you need to pick one of the responses below as the most appropriate reaction/answer. Please score yourself honestly. At the end, you will tabulate your answers and find out what that says about you as a person.

DISCLAIMER: THIS TEST WILL NOT BE SANCTIONED BY THE GOVERNING BODIES WHO WILL, AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE, CHOOSE WHETHER OR NOT I AM FIT FOR COPING WITH EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE PEOPLE. TO THIS END, I MUST INSIST THAT ANYONE ENTERTAINING THE NOTION OF GIVING THEM THIS LINK AUTOMATICALLY SCORE THEMSELVES IN THE "D" SECTION.

Let's rock....

1. Antropov gets a hat trick. Your reaction to this is:

a) "Mwahahahahhahaaa [maniacal laughter], the day is mine!!"

b) A long period of stunned silence, followed abruptly with an F-bomb and the muffled sound of you vomiting.

c) You're impressed. Afterall, Nik's been waiting a long time and working hard for this payoff.

d) You wonder at what point magicians started getting air time on sports shows...in any case, if this "antropov" is that good with hats, you assume he'd be good at tricks in the bedroom too. You subsequently commence stalking him.


2. The Canadian dollar is above the American dollar for the first time in what feels like a million years. In response, you react with:

a) "Mwahahahahhahaa, the day is mine!!"

b) A swelling sense of pride in your country and a hearty "booya bitches!"

c) You were already prepared for this turn of events since you keep yourself educated in current events and economics.

d) You get swept up in the media of it all, hop in your car and floor it all the way to Chapters. Upon reviewing the price on all random books you pick up and discovering the US/Cdn price discrepancy, you promptly start yelling at every bookseller you find. Afterall, it is absolutely ludicrous that they hadn't gotten the books reprinted after seeing the news this morning, and besides, it's not like the US is a separate country or anything! IDIOTS!


3. Your significant other catches you in a blatant lie. Your reaction is to:

a) Unload a "you don't know, you don't know me" in your best day-time-talk-show-guest-from-the-trailer-park voice and hope he or she leaves it alone.

b) Try to lessen the pain on yourself by asking probing questions in an attempt to assess just how much shit you're in before you come clean. You then sit there and, more or less, take what you have coming.

c) Tears spring to your eyes and you immediately apologize and let them know that you've been feeling so bad about lying but you just couldn't find the right opportunity to let them know.

d) You're too proud (and by proud, I mean stupid) to come clean at all and instead you elect to exacerbate the issue by continuing to lie and picking a fight. Once you are pretty sure you've turned the tables around, you add the finishing touch by comparing them to a previous boyfriend or girlfriend that they know you have distain for in a particularly harsh manner (ie. I feel like I'm dating John 2.0....only you weren't an upgrade! You're like Vista...you know, you SEEMED like an upgrade but you're, amazingly, an even bigger pain in the ass!!)


4. A friend lets you know that it is the 27th anniversary of John Lennon's death. You respond with:

a) "Mwahahahaa, the day is mine!!"

b) "Oh my god, I KNOW! I can't believe the world has been without his genius for so long."

c) "Hmmm, wow. It's incredible he is still able to touch the lives of so many through his music"

d) "Johnnie in the who now? The only Johnnie I know is a Mr. Walker.....come to Mama."


5. Your daughter lets you know that she will be divorcing her husband of 20 years. When asked the reason, she mentions his infidelity and the fact that, if she's honest with herself, they haven't really been happy for years. You react with:

a) "He don't know, he don't know you!"

b) Giving her a hug and asking what you can do to help.

c) Letting her know that these things happen and that you support her no matter what.

d) You get angry with her for her deceit. How dare she and her kids lie to you all these years and trick you into thinking they're the perfect family! This is, afterall, all about you.


6. You discover without a doubt that your father's having an affair. You:

a) Curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb for the next 3 years.

b) Give the "other woman" a funny, yet, derrogatory nickname and proceed to make their lives a living hell in the most amusing and overt manner possible.

c) Confront him with your concerns and give him a chance to explain himself.

d) Get excited at the prospect of getting another mommy. Ohhhh, this means another person to buy you gifts at Christmas and your birthday! AND if you let them know you know, maybe the payoffs can start now....ohhh goody! Best dad EVER!!


7. You suspect that a friend that you work with is dating another coworker that you have a secret crush on. Despite the fact that you're living with your significant other, you:

a) Laugh maniacally

b) Sigh, and think "Ah well, at least someone cool gets him [or her]".

c) Are relieved. Now you can just focus on this person as a friend and not have to worry about your little crush getting in the way.

d) Slowly but surely you go about making your former friend's work life a living hell and sabotaging all aspects of their job amidst complaining vocally to whomever will hear you about the declining quality of work this person contributes to the team.


8. A friend tells you that they're going home to watch Liar Liar tonight. You:

a) Stare at them for a long period of time, totally silent until your friend feels so awkward that they leave.

b) Laugh and start whipping out lines from the movie in your best Jim Carrey voice (ie. "He's the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! He has his head so far up Mr. Allen's ass I can't tell where he ends and Mr. Allen begins. Simmons?! Simmons is old. He should have been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife. You've all seen her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets hammered and calls him a retard. You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hair piece is so bad I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off your head and bury it alive!! Idiot, degenerate, SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!"), followed by convulsive laughter.

c) Concur that it was a good movie and decide a movie night might be just what you need.

d) Think to yourself, if she wants to see a liar all she has to do is pay a little more attention to anything that comes out of your mouth.


9. A friend wants you to be their euchre partner tonight. You respond with:

a) Random gargling sounds.

b) "Oh YEAH baby! ba-bam, those other bitches are going down!! They'll be calling us Daddy in no time!"

c) "I can dig it. Sign me up!"

d) "Oh, I thought you'd never ask!". You then proceed to think about what all euchre involves. You're not entirely certain, but you think it's one of those fancy positions that are all the rage in those kama sutra books you saw at Chapters. You again curse Chapters under your breath for single handedly ruining your life. If they'd just embrace the US being our actual country and let you pay the american price, you would have had that book and would be fully prepared for the activities tonight is bound to hold. Upon more consideration, you wonder if "euchre" might be some sort of code for V.D.. Not to be outdone, you resolve to go anyway, but to stop by Chapters first to skim the book for clues.


10. You are walking down a busy sidewalk in one of Canada's biggest cities. You are:

a) Involuntarily mimicking some of the ridiculous walks from Monty Python.

b) Hauling ass and taking no prisoners Toronto-style.

c) Politely keeping pace with people around you, being sure to make eye contact and smile at anyone that passes you.

d) Acting like you are the only one in the entire city. You stop abruptly every time something shiny catches your eye, you randomly swerve in front of people and you open your umbrella with reckless disregard for anyone in your vicinity.


The Evaluation

Mostly A's

Analysis In all liklihood, you are missing at least one chromosome. In fact, I'm not even convinced you would have been able to read this blog so it is likely entirely irrelevant.

Treatment There isn't one, pumpkin. I hope for your sake that you're pretty enough to make up for your intellectual downfalls.


Mostly B's

Analysis Congratulations! You are, essentially, me! This is by far the highest honour one could have bestowed upon them. You are a warm, loving person with a wonderful sense of humour who is clearly destined for greatness. People have a hard time living in your shadow, but since they are anyway, they have to learn to cope.

Treatment Are you kidding? Who would want to change any of that?


Mostly C's

Analysis You are a nauseatingly well-balanced individual. You are the person that all of us wish we had scored as, but since we all answered honestly, we didn't. In fact, you're probably also under the age of 10. Enjoy this state of existence while it lasts....it is inevitable that you will be jaded by some fucker who takes advantage. Word to the wise? Never date.

Treatment You could take up counselling as a preemptive strike against impending doom, but really, you should just sit back and enjoy.


Mostly D's

Analysis You are, in all probability, a syphyllis ridden whore with noone in your life who actually likes you. Since you're a raging bitch, you won't agree with anything I'm saying here, nor will you seek the help I will presently suggest for you. Please do everyone in your life a favour and seek this treatment anyway.

Treatment A shot of penicillin and then run, don't walk, to my place as fast as possible. As soon as you get here, take a running swan dive off my balcony.


Now, if only I'd thought to submit this as my entrance essay I not only would have nailed acceptance to the program BUT they probably would have just handed over the degree instead of making me earn it. Ah well, live and learn. Should anyone want to discuss the things they learned about themselves here, please feel free to contact me. I suggest doing it before August 2009 when I can officially charge for the heart to hearts. ;o)

Mandy's 2007 Must Read List

People have been inquiring about a follow up to last year's "Prostituting My Literacy" post about the year's best reads as experienced by moi. Since I live to give, I figured I'd better come through with a 2007 edition of great reads. Well, that and the fact that I feel moderately guilty about taking such long leaves of absence from paying attention to my blog. I apologize to anyone who checks it with any regularity whatsoever. I hope that this EXTRA good list and my 2 following entries this month will offer me some redemption.

I had lunch with a friend and former coworker the other day which was lovely, but it forced me to acknowledge that I haven't been doing nearly enough reading as of late. I actually came across a couple books this year that I loved so much, I just kept rereading them instead of actually picking up anything new. That being said, upon further consideration I realize that my reading list may not be as pathetic as I feared at first glance. I'll commence with the ones that were so good, I was compelled to read them 4 times each...this year alone. Here we go. :o)

The Time Traveler's Wife
by Audrey Niffenegger

This novel is so good that it nearly renders me speechless (astounding, I know). All I find myself capable of saying over and over again is "You have to read it". The premise may sound a little hokey, but I assure you, it's done so brilliantly, I actually had to force myself to take a few months off reading it.

Essentially, it's a love story. The main character, Henry, is a librarian who involuntarily and virtually without warning is thrust through time periodically. This time travelling is incredibly distressing, as I'm sure you can imagine should the same thing happen to you. This is an unfortunate fate that he first suffers as a child and is doomed to suffer for the remainder of his life. Through his experiences, he discovers that he continually travels mostly back in time and mostly to significant events he's experienced. When he is well into adulthood, he surprisingly finds himself making brief visits to his wife's childhood. He befriends Claire when she is just 6 years old. Henry becomes a significant figure in young Claire's life, especially since she lives life in the normal chronological way. Henry comes and goes throughout her childhood, leaving Claire longing for a chance to meet him in real time to start a life together. When this, in fact, does happen though, Henry has no idea who she is since he has not yet met her. It is fascinating to watch them fall in love twice...once from the perspecitive of a young Claire with Henry knowing all the answers, and once from the perspective of a 20-something Henry with Claire knowing all the answers. It is an enchanting and spellbinding story of the bonds we make and the depths of which we are capable of experiencing love. I seriously can't say anything at all to do this book any justice. Please just read it.

As an interesting sidenote, filming commenced for the movie adaptation in Toronto this past August. It stars Eric Bana as Henry and Rachel McAdams as Claire. I'm more than a little bitter about this since I would have wanted to be Claire, but whatever. In any case, please read the book, don't wait for the film because it will surely pale in comparison.

Lamb: The Gospel According to Bif, Christ's Childhood Pal
by Christopher Moore

Sweet mother of god, this is the funniest book I have ever read and I've read it a million times this year. I have also given away and sold so many copies that Christopher Moore himself should send me a personal thank you....or better yet, a signed first edition hardcover of the book. ;o)
I think the title gives you a pretty good idea of what this is all about. It follows the fictional life of Christ, or Josh as Bif calls him, throughout the years the bible doesn't follow. It starts when he's about 6 and follows him for the rest of his life. Bif is Josh's trouble-attracting sidekick and best friend in the whole wide world. They embark on a number of journey's together, many of which are actual events referred to in the bible, but with a fictional spin. This novel was very well researched and still upholds an appropriate level of respect towards Jesus, should you be concerned about that. It illustrates Joshua's struggle to figure out how to be the Messiah and his attempts at understanding sin (Bif's favourite part since it means he has Christ's permission to get it on with some ladies so he can recount what sin is like...all in the name of friendship of course). Bif has a huge crush on the Mary formerly known as "virgin" which Josh doesn't respond all that well to. "Don't let anyone ever tell you that the Prince of Peace never struck anyone". Moore is a master of his craft and downright flaunts it in this hilarious account of what Christ might have been like. I laughed out loud through much of this novel and I love, love, LOVE it!! Please do yourself a favour and read it. You won't be sorry. :o)

The Book Thief
by Markus Zusak

Oh, The Book Thief. This book can actually be found in the teen fiction section of your favourite neighbourhood book store, but that doesn't mean it is only appropriate for teens. I received this book from this year's Random House conference and couldn't wait to get started (more about this year's Random House conference below)!

This novel is narrated from the point of view of the angel of death during world war two. It is largely historical fiction, set in Germany and this loveable grim reaper takes a particular interest in a girl he comes across when he shows up to take her brother. He tells you of her life fleeing to safety, being raised by strangers, and how she becomes a book thief. It is an easy read, but a great one. It isn't every day that you get to hear about a girl that the angel of death is enamoured with. A great story about love, friendship, hope and making your own family when the ones you were dealt can't be with you. It was great.

The Year of Living Biblically
by A. J. Jacobs

Ok, this was also an advanced reading copy of mine that I'm so glad I came across! I knew of this author from his first work "The Know-It-All", which he wrote about reading the entire encyclopedia brittanica from A to Z, but I had not actually read anything by him. I'm not gonna lie to you, I mostly just wanted to read it because I was optimistic that it might help me control my urge to read Lamb a fifth time.

This is a non-fiction read, in case you didn't know that, and can actually be found in the biography section. A. J. was raised in a Jewish home and identified as a jew, but realized that he knew very little about the torah and what the bible really wants you to be doing. To this end, he decides to pick up the bible and actually read through all of it, marking down the rules he is to follow, as literally as possible. He decides to devote most of the year to the old testament, since it takes for-freaking-ever to get the rules down on that, and the latter portion adding the new testament learnings. What he finds is that there are an AWFUL lot of rules that are incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to follow, his wife doesn't appreciate being declared "unclean" for a week a month and forbidden from not only contact with him, but contact with any of the same inanimate objects, and most importantly, he gains an entirely new appreciation for any and all religions and the commmitment it takes to truly be a part of one. It was a really interesting read in which I learned a thing or two and I found that, between bouts of overt laughter that attracted attention from strangers around me, it made me think. It was a good read that I'd recommend to anyone.

The Other Side of the Bridge
by Mary Lawson

This author is better known for her first book, Crow Lake. I have read and enjoyed both, and would recommend Crow Lake as well, but there was just something about her second kick at the can that I found absolutely incredible.

For those of you that haven't read any Mary Lawson, she is an Ontario born and bred author who has set both her stories in fictional towns in nothern Ontario. Both books focus on something significant and tragic happening within the family that sets in motion an unchangeable series of events in the lives of the characters.

In The Other Side of the Bridge, she manages to create a very powerful story told from two different perspectives, in two different times focused on one person. One of these narrators is Arthur, the son of a farmer and the focus of the story. Told from his point of view as he's growing up in the 30's, we see his intense sibling rivalry with his brother, jealousy, and the paths both he and his brother must go on to survive their experiences first hand. The other is a teenage son of the small town's doctor who lives in the same community as Arthur, allowing us a glimpse at the man Arthur has become.

It is powerfully written, emotionally gripping and will not let go until you witness the last series of actions to drastically alter life for all of our characters.

Fifteen Days: Stories of Bravery, Friendship, Life and Death From Inside the New Canadian Army
by Christie Blachford

I am almost incapable of speaking about this book. In fact, I have found it so powerful that I have not yet even finished reading it, but still I will recommend with reckless abandon. I think that everyone in this country should pick up this book, if for no other reason than to truly understand what these brave men and women do for our country every single day.

Christie Blachford has written a breath taking account of life in Afganistan for our soldiers. Through countless interviews with our troops overseas, she was able to piece together 15 days of particular importance to our countrymen and it is told solely through their eyes. She is but a vessel used to tell the stories of these soldiers and their families. You watch the events through their eyes, seeing it so clearly it's as if you're sitting right there by their side. It is an incredible testament to the sheer will power, courage and humanity of our troops. The least we can all do is read it and muster up some newfound appreciation for what they do for us. I assure you, you will never look at or think about any soldier, past, present or future, the same way again.


More on this year's Random House conference:

Hitman

by Bret "The Hitman" Hart

For you wrestling fans out there, a club of which I cannot claim to be a part, The Hitman has a new book out about his life AND I got to chat with him! And I have proof! Woo!
--->

He has led a very interesting life and overcome some seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Bret is a fascinating, strong and articulate man...and I hope to be his next wife. Thank you Random house!! :o)




Ok everyone, I hope this offers you some direction in which to seek out your next reads. Should you desire any additional assistance, please do not hesitate to ask. Happy reading! :o)