Gift Giving Dos and Don'ts

Christmas. That difficult time of year when we purchase presents for a multitude of people, all of whom we have a varying degree of familiarity with. What do you get that coworker? Or neighbour? Or that boyfriend/girlfriend we have this year? This last concern appears to be of particular importance to many of you out there, at least, judging from the stories I've heard. I don't presume to have all the answers, but I have learned a thing or two that may give some much needed insight.

Boys, boys, boys...I'm going to try to instill in you a little perspective on why some of those gifts may not have gone over as well as you'd planned. I know that you struggle with what to get, and some of you genuinely try hard and exert yourself to purchase that special something that will show us that you listen. I must agree that that's freaking adorable, however, you have to be careful to consider how our female minds are likely to twist such a gesture.

For example, despite the fact you think your lady is beautiful, you know she's not entirely happy with her body. She has all the usual issues that virtually all women suffer from in modern western society, but you want to show her that you have paid attention and are willing to be there for her. Christmas time rolls around and you think this may just be the opportunity you've been waiting for to be sensitive to her fragile body image and confidence. You *may* be tempted to invest in a high-quality, convenient, top of the line treadmill to assert your supportive position. This, my dear friend is suicide. While the gift may have come from a good spot, all your woman is going to see when she unwraps that delight on Christmas morning is a white flash of blinding rage. When she finally snaps out of her almost crippling anger, she (assuming she hasn't killed you yet) will promptly begin to sob uncontrollably.

What does this mean for you?

Best case scenario: singlehood.

Worst case senario: have you ever seen "Saving Private Ryan"? Picture the first 15 mins of that without an ounce of the glory and instead of a beach of lots of wounded men, it's just you....dying in a hundred different ways.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Pfffft, I would never be that stupid. What kind of idiot would do that?". Well, before you get all high and mighty you might want to take a moment to consider your history of reactions to your girlfriend or wife's concerns in that arena. I'm sure that you too have thrown the dice and lost in the game of making her feel good about herself. Now I'm not suggesting the onus is all on you. After all, the fairer sex is virtually impossible to please and there's really no "right" thing to say or do under these circumstances, I'm just simply trying to help you not screw yourself over completely.

I think it's safe to say lesson 1 is complete : No giving gifts that could, however innocent, make her think that you find her repulsive and/or think she's a fat, ugly cow.

Onto lesson #2...&3.

It's your first Christmas since moving in together and you have no idea what to get her. You race out on December 23rd, like all the other men you know, to do some shopping and notice on your way past Shopper's Drug Mart that they have a pillow with little suction cups on it so it'll stick to the bath tub. This seems like a brilliant plan since your lady likes to take baths to unwind. You are thrilled and race home to wrap it. When you put it under the tree, however, you do notice that there are an awful lot of presents under there with your name on it and you've only come bearing this one. You've got it!! You broke the antenna on her car a few weeks ago and had bought a replacement you hadn't bothered to put on yet! You'll just wrap that up too!

What you're thinking: "Even with waiting til the last minute, I've managed to get her something she can use AND something that she definitely needs!"

What she's thinking when she opens it after you've opened your stocking and new leather coat:
"Are you fucking kidding me?! Is it at all possible for him to have put any less thought into this gift?! I mean, if you're going to pay $15.99 for something, at least have it be something you made with your own hands. And the antenna for god's sake!! I wouldn't have needed a new one if you weren't so fucking clumsy in the first place!"

The Christmas joy: You'll be lucky if you get so much as a frosty glance in your direction for the rest of the day. Your punishment, no doubt, will be sitting down to have a "bath pillow" conversation every single year for the rest of your life just before the Christmas season rolls around.

Lesson #2: Shopping using gut instincts is good, but it has to be tempered with at least a modicom of thought.

Lesson #3: Don't turn something you owe her anyway into a Christmas gift. It just doesn't count.

Onto another lesson...

You are out shopping with some friends and come across a great deal on a new kitchen appliance. Tragically, it's nothing that's actually required since the current one works fine, but you decide to pick it up anyway. You *could* just put it under the tree from Santa for the whole family, but you didn't really know what to get your wife anyway, so it looks like her shopping is now complete.

What you're thinking: "Yes! Ba-bam! Wife's gifts now complete. Since she does all the Christmas shopping for the kids and all of our family and friends, all I have to do is whip up a stocking and I'm ready to rock. " You then commence quietly humming Christmas carols to yourself.

What she's thinking when she opens it: "......Oooooook, this must just be the box he used to wrap the gift in. Oh.........nope, there's for sure a microwave in here. *sigh* This is ri-goddamn-diculous! He has one person to buy for, ONE and he can't manage? Why is this MY gift? Am I the only one using it?! So not only does he have no intention of ever cooking, BUT he now has no intention of even reheating the left overs?! FUCKER!!"

Christmas joy: Your wife's disappointment translates to bitchy looks and comments, and probably an argument or two.

Lesson #4: If you aren't buying something with her in mind specifically, perhaps you should reconsider. If it's particularly extravagant, maybe having a conversation with her about that just being your gift to each other would be appropriate. Volunteering that she take one for the team without consulting her may not be worth it.

One last thing to consider....

You're feeling neglected in the bedroom because you don't think your lady is putting out enough, so you take Christmas as an opportunity to go to the local bookstore and air out your issues with your relationship to the nearest bookseller. You then ask her what book you can get for your girlfriend for Christmas that will tell her to have sex with you more often.

What the bookseller is thinking: AWKWARD!! Did you ever think that maybe YOU'RE the problem, asshole??"

What you're thinking: I sincerely have no idea what you're thinking or why you could ever think that's at all an apporpriate thing to do.

What she'll think if she opens it: "Uh, right. So you're unhappy with me, our relationship, you're broadcasting the shortcomings of our relationship to strangers in public places, and you've gotten me a gift that is actually a gift for you. You want me to read this so I can satisfy you more. Yeah, celebrating the birth of Christ should REALLY be all about you getting laid."

Christmas joy: You will likely never find yourself in bed with this woman again. If you do, it'll be a Christmas miracle...likely one for the Christmas after the one you're currently celebrating.

I hope this has shed some light for you on appropriate gift giving etiquette. This all being said, getting gifts is not the most important thing in the world and it should never be the focus of any relationship. The focus should always be on the giving. Afterall, why give a gift if it isn't coming from the heart? And it is that, my dear friends, that many women react to - feeling as though the gift was purchased just to get her off the Christmas list and not because you actually wanted to give her something thoughtful. As long as you sincerely do that, you have nothing to worry about.

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and all the best in 2008. :o)