"You're not the contents of your wallet."

this little Fight Club quote was put to the test on friday night as my wallet was stolen from my purse, which was on the back of my chair at a nice restaurant. now, i'll give these people credit where credit is due - they were balls out on that one (or balls to the wall, for ted ;o)). after all, it's pretty hardcore to steal in that scenario, in a fairly busy restaurant. something that may have been a good idea though would have been for them to consult someone with an IQ over 85 who may have forseen that taking it mere moments before the bill came may not give them the kind of head start they would need to be able to spend all the money in my bank accounts, on my line of credit and max out the good ol' credit card. since they were severely lacking in having a "brains of the operation" (lucky for me) the only contents of my wallet that were of use to them was merely the cash. while that is annoying, it really wasn't that much and could have been so much worse!

when one's wallet is stolen, there are a number of things that happen. stages, if you will.

STAGE 1: obliviousness - you have no idea that anything is wrong so you keep on chatting away to your friend and arguing over who will be paying the bill (clearly Dani won).

STAGE 2: suspicion - you reach for your purse and realize that it feels too light, you look down and see the zipper only 3/4 of the way zipped and your OCD would never let you close a zipper in such a haphazard way. you start looking through your purse just in case you are somehow wrong in your assumption that it isn't in there. this often involves dumping your purse out on the table with reckless disregard for its contents.

STAGE 3: alerting those around you - for me this was a simple, "aw crap, some asshole took my wallet" to which my friend said, "are you sure? you might have just left it at home". oh, but i was sure. i had been in offsite meetings all day and when i got home, had taken everything out of my purse that i didn't need for going out for dinner. sadly, this did not mean my wallet. i then called one of the waiters over and asked if the people behind us had paid with a credit card in the hopes of getting his/her name and charging our bill to them (after we ordered far more, of course). however, sadly, it turns out that the people behind us had been initially seated in another area of the restaurant and had requested to move to the table behind me. after being there for about 10 minutes, they said they had to go find their friend and they left. unfortunately for them, they only had about a 10 minute head start on me.

STAGE 4: phone calls

a) the police - i called from the restaurant even though there's nothing they could do because placing an official report subsequently absolves me of responsibility for any spending done on my accounts. booya!

b) credit card - i looked up the number on my banking webpage from home and made the call. the stupid automated thingy gave 500 choices before getting to the one i wanted after asking me to enter my credit card number. awesome. then i press whatever number for "lost or stolen card" was and it asked again for my credit card number. seriously, why?! then the customer service chicky picks up and the first thing she asks for is my credit card number. at this point, i had no choice but to laugh and ask why they put us through all of this choosing crap if they don't filter us through to anyone special. in any case, that call was completed with no problem and no spending had yet taken place on my credit card. * note* this is likely due to the fact that i have written on the back of my credit card where the signature goes for them to ask for ID. a minor inconvenience for me, a difficult thing to get around as a thief.

c) the bank card people

bank dude: hello bmo, [whatever his name was], how can i help you?

me: hi, my wallet was just stolen so i'm calling to cancel my card and make sure no one's gotten to my account somehow.

bank dude: ok, i'm just going to ask you some security questions.

me: sure, go ahead.

he asks my name, permanent address and a bunch of other things

bank dude: alright, i've cancelled the card for you. is there anything else i can do for you today?

me: well yeah, i'd like to make sure there was no activity on any of my accounts this evening and i will need a new card at some point.

bank dude: it appears that there has been no activity on your cards since some time yesterday.

me: excellent.

bank dude: anything else i can do for you this evening?

me: uh, yes, i still need to arrange getting a new card.

bank dude: oh, alright, just go into any of our branches the next time they're open, show them 2 pieces of ID and they'll get you a new one.

me: but my wallet was just stolen. (long silence) so some random schmucks have all of my cards (pause) which is why i'm calling (another long silence) and that includes my ID.

bank dude: oh, you don't have another one?

me: you mean a spare wallet with extra ID in it just in case someone steals it from my purse from less than 6 inches away from my body? nope, can't say i do [keep in mind that until this point, i was in rather good spirits].

bank dude: hmmm, ok well do you have a passport?

me: why yes, yes i do. excellent!

bank dude: ok, well just go in to a branch with your passport and, i don't know, think of something else and they'll take care of that for you. have a great night and thank you for calling BMO bank of montreal. [click]

me staring at my phone. think of something else?! think of something else?!? awesome.

d) other bank dude for my student line of credit

other bank guy: thank you for calling TD Canada Trust, how can i help you?

me: hi, my wallet was just stolen so i'm calling to cancel my card and to make sure there haven't been any transactions on it yet.

bank guy: ok, i'm just going to ask some security questions. [he asks lots of them] alright, so would you like us to send your new card to your permanent address, or would you rather go into one of our branches to get a new one?

me: oh, just mail it to me please. i already have to improvise enough with my other bank.

bank guy: will do. i notice that you don't appear to have any other accounts with us, which is unusual. is that correct?

me: yes, it's just the student line of credit.

guy: are you satisfied with td canada trust's service?

me: [confused and hoping he isn't heading in the direction i think he is] uhhhh, i guess so. as you can see i still haven't used my line of credit so i can't say i've really had enough time to experience your bank yet to say for sure.

guy: well, would you say we give better service than your current bank?

me: i've had the same bank account since i was 2. they were bound to crap out on me once or twice in that time, however, i'm happy with my current set up. thank you.

guy: did you know that we offer a student chequing account that gives you up to 25 free transactions a month? you are a student, right?

me: yes, my understanding was that only students could get a student line of credit.

guy: well then, i can set you up with this account right now for your convenience.

me: [now laughing quietly to myself because i cannot believe this guy] thanks for the offer, but i have a chequing account already, so it isn't necessary.

guy: do you have a savings account? because we also offer those...

me: yeah, i have one of those too. i have no interest in switching my banking at this time.

guy: are you sure, because....blah blah blah [i'm laughing too hard to even listen and my friend Dani is yelling at the phone "do you REALLY think this is the most appropriate time to have this conversation?!"]

me: i don't mean to be rude, but it was this side of 40 minutes ago that my wallet was in my possession. if we're done here with cancelling my card and making sure those schmucks don't run up my credit, then i really have a lot of other important calls to make for which time is of the essence.

dude: ok then, if you change your mind please visit one of our branches.

me: i'll keep that in mind, i assure you. thank you for your help.

STAGE 5: improvising with your bank - i walked up to the 13 year old behind the counter and mentioned my situation and conversation with the previous guy that helped me out over the phone. after some rationalizing ("but i only have one piece of ID because my wallet was stolen. besides, isn't a passport the piece of ID that trumps all others?") i finally got a new card.

occasionally STAGE 6: nice person finds the remains of your wallet and tracks you down - on monday i got a call from work because they had just talked with a man who claimed to have found my wallet. it appears that he had found it when he was throwing cardboard in the recycling dumpster so he climbed in to retrieve it. luckily my security card for the system at work had a phone number on it - work's phone number! woo! so i got my license back, which i am the most excited about, however they did cherry pick a number of other cards out of my wallet.

Lessons learned:
1. people are fuckers
2. you'd be surprised how little anyone pays attention in a restaurant
3. the people you call when you are most in need of efficency, tact and intellect often lack some or all of those attributes
4. freaking out doesn't get you anywhere and neither does being cranky, so there's no point in either
5. improvisation skills can come in handy and be recommended at the most bizarre times
6. td canada trust apparently has an excellent student chequing account. who knew?
7. sometimes on the 3-year-iversary of living somewhere you are hit with the hard realization that you've overstayed your welcome
8. this is one way to get a free meal
9. replacing these things really isn't that much of a hassle and only takes a few minutes
10. little else in life is more satisfying than screwing over the assholes that steal from you
11. a good samaritan goes a long way
12. you can find inspiration for a blog anywhere!