Psych Evaluation

For those of you who are unaware, I commence studies for my Masters in psychology in a few short weeks. I figure nothing would be better than actually setting up one of these quiz things to see just how bang on I am before I even take any classes. I sense that my increasing knowledge will be directly related to loss of friends once the pursuit of this degree is fully underway. People seem to be nervous about my "ability" to figure them out once I've attained socially sanctioned credentials. What I hope to show in this post is that I, in fact, have had everyone figured out for some time; often within mere minutes of meeting someone. So please, pull up a seat or perhaps some kleenex, and let's get in touch with your inner self (maybe I'll even reveal an appropriate treatment plan).

Ok, everyone knows how this is done. I'm going to give a scenario, and you need to pick one of the responses below as the most appropriate reaction/answer. Please score yourself honestly. At the end, you will tabulate your answers and find out what that says about you as a person.

DISCLAIMER: THIS TEST WILL NOT BE SANCTIONED BY THE GOVERNING BODIES WHO WILL, AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE, CHOOSE WHETHER OR NOT I AM FIT FOR COPING WITH EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE PEOPLE. TO THIS END, I MUST INSIST THAT ANYONE ENTERTAINING THE NOTION OF GIVING THEM THIS LINK AUTOMATICALLY SCORE THEMSELVES IN THE "D" SECTION.

Let's rock....

1. Antropov gets a hat trick. Your reaction to this is:

a) "Mwahahahahhahaaa [maniacal laughter], the day is mine!!"

b) A long period of stunned silence, followed abruptly with an F-bomb and the muffled sound of you vomiting.

c) You're impressed. Afterall, Nik's been waiting a long time and working hard for this payoff.

d) You wonder at what point magicians started getting air time on sports shows...in any case, if this "antropov" is that good with hats, you assume he'd be good at tricks in the bedroom too. You subsequently commence stalking him.


2. The Canadian dollar is above the American dollar for the first time in what feels like a million years. In response, you react with:

a) "Mwahahahahhahaa, the day is mine!!"

b) A swelling sense of pride in your country and a hearty "booya bitches!"

c) You were already prepared for this turn of events since you keep yourself educated in current events and economics.

d) You get swept up in the media of it all, hop in your car and floor it all the way to Chapters. Upon reviewing the price on all random books you pick up and discovering the US/Cdn price discrepancy, you promptly start yelling at every bookseller you find. Afterall, it is absolutely ludicrous that they hadn't gotten the books reprinted after seeing the news this morning, and besides, it's not like the US is a separate country or anything! IDIOTS!


3. Your significant other catches you in a blatant lie. Your reaction is to:

a) Unload a "you don't know, you don't know me" in your best day-time-talk-show-guest-from-the-trailer-park voice and hope he or she leaves it alone.

b) Try to lessen the pain on yourself by asking probing questions in an attempt to assess just how much shit you're in before you come clean. You then sit there and, more or less, take what you have coming.

c) Tears spring to your eyes and you immediately apologize and let them know that you've been feeling so bad about lying but you just couldn't find the right opportunity to let them know.

d) You're too proud (and by proud, I mean stupid) to come clean at all and instead you elect to exacerbate the issue by continuing to lie and picking a fight. Once you are pretty sure you've turned the tables around, you add the finishing touch by comparing them to a previous boyfriend or girlfriend that they know you have distain for in a particularly harsh manner (ie. I feel like I'm dating John 2.0....only you weren't an upgrade! You're like Vista...you know, you SEEMED like an upgrade but you're, amazingly, an even bigger pain in the ass!!)


4. A friend lets you know that it is the 27th anniversary of John Lennon's death. You respond with:

a) "Mwahahahaa, the day is mine!!"

b) "Oh my god, I KNOW! I can't believe the world has been without his genius for so long."

c) "Hmmm, wow. It's incredible he is still able to touch the lives of so many through his music"

d) "Johnnie in the who now? The only Johnnie I know is a Mr. Walker.....come to Mama."


5. Your daughter lets you know that she will be divorcing her husband of 20 years. When asked the reason, she mentions his infidelity and the fact that, if she's honest with herself, they haven't really been happy for years. You react with:

a) "He don't know, he don't know you!"

b) Giving her a hug and asking what you can do to help.

c) Letting her know that these things happen and that you support her no matter what.

d) You get angry with her for her deceit. How dare she and her kids lie to you all these years and trick you into thinking they're the perfect family! This is, afterall, all about you.


6. You discover without a doubt that your father's having an affair. You:

a) Curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb for the next 3 years.

b) Give the "other woman" a funny, yet, derrogatory nickname and proceed to make their lives a living hell in the most amusing and overt manner possible.

c) Confront him with your concerns and give him a chance to explain himself.

d) Get excited at the prospect of getting another mommy. Ohhhh, this means another person to buy you gifts at Christmas and your birthday! AND if you let them know you know, maybe the payoffs can start now....ohhh goody! Best dad EVER!!


7. You suspect that a friend that you work with is dating another coworker that you have a secret crush on. Despite the fact that you're living with your significant other, you:

a) Laugh maniacally

b) Sigh, and think "Ah well, at least someone cool gets him [or her]".

c) Are relieved. Now you can just focus on this person as a friend and not have to worry about your little crush getting in the way.

d) Slowly but surely you go about making your former friend's work life a living hell and sabotaging all aspects of their job amidst complaining vocally to whomever will hear you about the declining quality of work this person contributes to the team.


8. A friend tells you that they're going home to watch Liar Liar tonight. You:

a) Stare at them for a long period of time, totally silent until your friend feels so awkward that they leave.

b) Laugh and start whipping out lines from the movie in your best Jim Carrey voice (ie. "He's the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! He has his head so far up Mr. Allen's ass I can't tell where he ends and Mr. Allen begins. Simmons?! Simmons is old. He should have been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife. You've all seen her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets hammered and calls him a retard. You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hair piece is so bad I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off your head and bury it alive!! Idiot, degenerate, SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!"), followed by convulsive laughter.

c) Concur that it was a good movie and decide a movie night might be just what you need.

d) Think to yourself, if she wants to see a liar all she has to do is pay a little more attention to anything that comes out of your mouth.


9. A friend wants you to be their euchre partner tonight. You respond with:

a) Random gargling sounds.

b) "Oh YEAH baby! ba-bam, those other bitches are going down!! They'll be calling us Daddy in no time!"

c) "I can dig it. Sign me up!"

d) "Oh, I thought you'd never ask!". You then proceed to think about what all euchre involves. You're not entirely certain, but you think it's one of those fancy positions that are all the rage in those kama sutra books you saw at Chapters. You again curse Chapters under your breath for single handedly ruining your life. If they'd just embrace the US being our actual country and let you pay the american price, you would have had that book and would be fully prepared for the activities tonight is bound to hold. Upon more consideration, you wonder if "euchre" might be some sort of code for V.D.. Not to be outdone, you resolve to go anyway, but to stop by Chapters first to skim the book for clues.


10. You are walking down a busy sidewalk in one of Canada's biggest cities. You are:

a) Involuntarily mimicking some of the ridiculous walks from Monty Python.

b) Hauling ass and taking no prisoners Toronto-style.

c) Politely keeping pace with people around you, being sure to make eye contact and smile at anyone that passes you.

d) Acting like you are the only one in the entire city. You stop abruptly every time something shiny catches your eye, you randomly swerve in front of people and you open your umbrella with reckless disregard for anyone in your vicinity.


The Evaluation

Mostly A's

Analysis In all liklihood, you are missing at least one chromosome. In fact, I'm not even convinced you would have been able to read this blog so it is likely entirely irrelevant.

Treatment There isn't one, pumpkin. I hope for your sake that you're pretty enough to make up for your intellectual downfalls.


Mostly B's

Analysis Congratulations! You are, essentially, me! This is by far the highest honour one could have bestowed upon them. You are a warm, loving person with a wonderful sense of humour who is clearly destined for greatness. People have a hard time living in your shadow, but since they are anyway, they have to learn to cope.

Treatment Are you kidding? Who would want to change any of that?


Mostly C's

Analysis You are a nauseatingly well-balanced individual. You are the person that all of us wish we had scored as, but since we all answered honestly, we didn't. In fact, you're probably also under the age of 10. Enjoy this state of existence while it lasts....it is inevitable that you will be jaded by some fucker who takes advantage. Word to the wise? Never date.

Treatment You could take up counselling as a preemptive strike against impending doom, but really, you should just sit back and enjoy.


Mostly D's

Analysis You are, in all probability, a syphyllis ridden whore with noone in your life who actually likes you. Since you're a raging bitch, you won't agree with anything I'm saying here, nor will you seek the help I will presently suggest for you. Please do everyone in your life a favour and seek this treatment anyway.

Treatment A shot of penicillin and then run, don't walk, to my place as fast as possible. As soon as you get here, take a running swan dive off my balcony.


Now, if only I'd thought to submit this as my entrance essay I not only would have nailed acceptance to the program BUT they probably would have just handed over the degree instead of making me earn it. Ah well, live and learn. Should anyone want to discuss the things they learned about themselves here, please feel free to contact me. I suggest doing it before August 2009 when I can officially charge for the heart to hearts. ;o)