Good is Good

Announcer: Allen and Mandy had the esteemed pleasure of being interviewed by a panel of celebrity musicians about the couple's thoughts on last night's concert. Our illustrious panel includes: Courtney Love, Ozzy Osbourne, Britney Spears and Robbie Williams. (Iggy Pop was also slated to be a member of our panel, however, his failure to submit his urine for the drug test forced us to exclude him.)


Robbie: For some reason, I can't seem to obtain the same massive success here in North America that I have in Europe. I blame blokes like this John Mayer character. His flowing locks, soft sensitive looks and funny faces while playing guitar apparently make him a hunk! How's the chubby guy from Take That (that's me) supposed to compete with that? I mean seriously, I'm clearly more manly in the areas that...WHAT? Why are you interrupting me?! Oh, apparently this interview isn't about me. That's got me balls off the rocker. Very well, *ahem* so, what possessed you to attend this concert involving Mr. Mayer and that foxy lady Sheryl Crow?


Mandy: Well Robbie, I have to say, I'm not entirely surprised by your apparent jealousy of Mr. Mayer's talent and success. Even if he wasn't a hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' love to look at, his excellence in guitar playing is a hotness few girls could resist. If you're looking to hone in on a bit of his fan base, I recommend that you drop the ego and grab an instrument. Once I saw that Sheryl was joining him on the tour, I couldn't resist the great show this promised. Let's face it, she rocks out better than any other woman in the industry at the moment.

Courtney: Um, excuse me, but haven't you heard of my band Hole?? Wait, am I still in that band? Hmmm....anyway, I've been around just as long as Sheryl. Hell, I've gotten around more! Oh wait, maybe I shouldn't have said that. I'd hate to set a bad example for my daughter. How come Mayer never asks to open for me? *sexy purr*

Allen: I'm a huge fan of a lot of music from the past decade but to be honest your "gold dust woman" tune was the only thing I can remember, and I'm fully aware that you covered Fleetwood Mac on that one. Maybe if you had a slew of classic chick rock tunes like Crow, you could share a show with another great artist, until then, I don't know what to tell you.

Britney: Can I just say, I'm looking so good today, and you are too Allen!

Allen: Umm, thanks.



Britney: Hello! Thats your cue to tell me how hot I'm looking these days!!!

Allen: Actually, you're supposed to be helping review the concert we attended.


Britney: I didn't attend the concert silly. I don't know when my next album will be out but it's gonna be great!!


Allen: What? No, no, Mandy and I attended the concert.


Britney: Y'know, Christina is only doing well right now because I'm having babies!





Ozzy: Issa this thingy on?

Allen: That's a banana Mr. Osbourne. There are no mics here.

Mandy: Ri-goddamn-diculous.


Ozzy: Oh well my then laddie, what am I doing here, here then?

Allen: You're helping Robbie, Britney and Courtney to review the concert we attended.




Ozzy: They've all decided to work on my next album? Fantastic now!





Robbie: Clearly this bunch can't stay on topic. Anyhow mates, lets get back to how good I am, much like that fellow and Foxy Crow you saw. Did they cover any tunes? Perhaps one of mine?

Allen: Sheryl did her rendition of 'The first cut is the deepest', it was solid as expected. She was alternating between acoustic and electric guitar while clearly having a good time on stage.

Mandy: Plus, she whipped out a bit of "Satisfaction" in the middle of...


Ozzy: Does anybody want to go out for cheeseburgers?

Mandy: Um, I was talking.




Robbie: Right then, shall we go off and find some birds to shackle up with for the evening Allen? You seem like a swell chap, c'mon let's bag some birds!!

Mandy glares at Robbie, and then at Allen

Allen: Uh, right. I think carrying on with this interview could really boost your exposure here in North America.

Robbie: Exposure! Well, I'm no stranger to that!




Britney: Me too!






Courtney: Am I going to have to show my jugs to prove who the woman is here?




Ozzy: I love cheeseburgers!!!






Robbie: How did Sheryl close out the show?

Allen: Out of nowhere she started unloading a cover of Led Zeppelin's 'Rock 'n Roll'. It was wicked, a highlight for me for sure!

Mandy: Yeah, I'm not a fan of Led Zeppelin, so I could have done without it. However, even I would say that she did a great job of really rockin' it.

Robbie: Did you know I regularly cover Queen's 'We are the champions' in my shows?

Mandy: (muttering) That doesn't surprise me, Princess.

Allen: Actually I did. I have one of your concert DVD's. I'm a fan to be honest.

Mandy: Oh goody, here we go.

Allen: What's that supposed to mean? Are you insinuating yet again that me loving Robbie and the Back Street Boys isn't manly?

Robbie: You like the Back Street Boys? Good god! Now, don't go lumping all us guys from boy bands together. I'm my own artist. Take That was a more exceptional band than BSB ever will be! I feel betrayed that I'm not the only boy band singer that you love, respect, admire and want to emulate, Allen. Deeply disappointed in you...

Ozzy: uhgdjsln fdlshglhiglen klskhfelhkjlgnk lahfd hfudksluylyguhlsjdh!!


Robbie: Riiiiiight...so, there's a question here suggested for me to ask, but I don't care for it much..right then! So how hot was Sheryl lookin?

Allen: Well she's got that long hair goin', and some heels. You'd dig it.

Robbie: Right mate! Doesn't much matter what you sound like as long as you're lookin' fine!




Courtney: I have a question. Britney, how can you be so skanky?




Britney: I'm just being artistic, but you can interpret it however you like!





Courtney: Clearly you're not getting my efforts to start a fight with you so I'm just gonna go ahead and dump this pop on you now!




Britney: Hey!!!






Robbie: You're going to have to take that top off now, it's ruined.




Britney: Yeah, I think you're right. Can you check if my bra is damp?





Robbie: Of course, a gentleman's prerogative!




Courtney: Let's head to the little girls room 'Brit', I'll fix you up REAL good.




Robbie: So close I was..a rare opportunity missed...

Mandy: Not that rare, I'm sure.

Robbie: Oh well, so any big tunes absent from the performances?

Mandy: Actually, yes. I was bummed that Sheryl omitted "All I Wanna Do" from her playlist. And since John's Heavier Things album was so awesome, I would have liked to see him do a couple more songs from it. How about you Allen?

Robbie: Excuse me, but I'M asking the questions there missy. How about you Allen?

Allen: I would have liked to see "Leaving Las Vegas", "There goes the Neighbourhood", "Can't cry anymore", "Sweet child O mine" and "I shall believe" but hey, I'm just being picky. I really don't know what she could have removed. It was all good, all sing along stuff, y'know? Course, her Bond tune "Tomorrow never dies" would have been awesome to sneak in there!

Robbie: Any closing comments Ozzy?




Ozzy: laksujsnfklduf snnkfl ahjshflsah *a-choooo* fhdshlfjdlsy fdshb ass that won't quit anohdkchsjdgy vydjs vjky bejkbtsjky gi djdoh spoon!



Robbie: Riiiiiight.





Anouncer: Stay glued to your computer screens for info about Mandy and Allen's next concert - SLOAN Oct 24.

Prostituting My Literacy :o)

"Hello everyone. I'm Mandy, and I'm a readaholic."

"Hi Mandy", the support group chimes in...


It has been requested that I post a blog of recommended reads. Actually, it was intimated that both Allen & me would write a blog of that nature. This, my dear friends, is crazy talk. While Allen is incredibly intelligent, he'll only read things that either have pictures or are directly related to something that he can watch (ie. movie info), thus, he's not going to be much help. His suggestions would include any X-Men comics, cereal boxes and, of course, abysmal sports stats (please see earlier blog on antropov).

***Speaking of sports, before I go any further, I really have to digress for a moment - Andre Agassi. For those of you who don't know, he retired this weekend after being defeated by someone he totally would have had calling him daddy mere years ago. Even injured, he almost spanked this guy to move onto the next round. However, in the end, he was unable to push himself any more. His sportsmanship on the court and articulate nature make him a favourite among fans (though, winning all the time didn't hurt either!). He is one of the best tennis players of all time, certainly the best of his generation and will be inducted into the hall of fame at their earliest convenience. Notably, his wife has an even more impressive list of achievements (get used to it boys, the girls will often over-shadow you). Lucky for him, he never had to compete against her. He will be greatly missed and we're hoping that he and Steffi have their children on some rigorous tennis-training program. Read up on him if you feel compelled: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andre_Agassi

Ok, back to books. Being a Chapters biotch has given me the opportunity to read a truly offensive amount of books. Seriously, I couldn't name them all if I tried. However, I will pass along the best of the best that I've read this past year. They are in no particular order:

The Adrian Mole Series
by Sue Townsend
~ There are 6 books in this series and I read and LOVED every single one. They are as follows:

The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole
The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole
True Confessions of Adrian Albert Mole
Adrian Mole: The Wilderness Years
Adrian Mole: The Cappucino Years
Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction

This is a series of Adrian's diaries beginning at age 13 & 3/4 and continuing until age 35. He is a self-proclaimed intellectual who is blissfuly ignorant of the fact that he is a pain in the ass to everyone, especially his dysfunctional family, and it is hilarious. The books get funnier and funnier as he ages, but in order to truly appreciate the latter ones, you must have the foundation of the first ones. Totally worth the read. Light, fun and enjoyable. They are written by a British woman and set in England, so some of the humour would be even funnier for anyone who has ever lived or visited there, of course (which is why it was so popular there that they even started a tv series). READ IT!
Check it out at http://www.adrianmole.com/

Birdsong
by Sebastian Faulks

In all likelihood, this is the best book I've ever read. I connected with the character and story so much that I felt more like I was watching a movie than reading a book. When the novel begins, you meet a young Stephen Wraysford in 1910 staying with a family in France. It is here that decisions are made and actions are taken that propel the rest of the plot. When WWI hits a few years later, we are alongside him again, and let me tell you, you really feel like you're in the trenches with him. The writing is incredible! You picture everything perfectly, yet Faulks doesn't drone on and on in descriptions. I suggest you pay particular attention to the first portion of the book (the 1910 portion) as certain descriptions will be contrasted when war hits and his use of foreshadowing is excellent. A friendly warning to all that there are a few steamy love scenes in the first portion of the novel that may deter some, but I assure you, if you can get past that, it'll be worth it.


The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini

This is not a book I ever would have picked out on my own. Mom thrust it into my hand (rather forcefully, I might add) before we flew back to Vangroovy after our last visit home. Since it was much better than the book I had brought to read on the plane (I'll come back to this one below), I figured I had nothing to lose. Oh my goodness, SO GLAD I read it! To quote the author's site, it is "an epic tale of fathers and sons, of friendships and betrayal, that takes us from the final days of Afganistan's monarchy to the atrocities of the present." That's really all you need to know, and it's more than I knew when I read it, so just get the damn book and thank me later, ok?

***My reading on the plane experience - Allow me to paint you a picture...Mandy is sitting all cozy in her seat just after the excitment of take-off has worn off. As she sits, gazing out the window at the ground pulling further and further from her, she is reminded of the fact that gravity has been proven to her far more often than whatever physics allows a plane to fly. She tries not to think about it. She turns to her boyfriend, who might as well be sitting on the couch at home for all being a million feet from the ground bothers him, who's reading "Calvin and Hobbes: Attack of the Killer Snowmen". Mandy's wondering what she's going to do to pass the time when they announce the movie - King Kong. Mandy lets out an annoyed sigh. She's in for a looooooong flight! She'd rather be tied to the bumper of a car and dragged naked through a field of broken glass than watch that movie. Excitedly, she recalls that she brought a special book she'd heard was a great read with her. Saturday by Ian McEwan is revealed from her bag and she promptly cozies up to her window to begin reading...Chapter One...a plane crashes...CRASHES!?! CRASHES!! Are you frigging kidding me?! Welcome to my life. Needless to say, I did not finish this one until I was on the ground. For a quick review, there were about 75 pages that were excellent and the rest was a "I want the readers to know how smart I am" load of crappola. I wouldn't recommend it unless you enjoy pedantic, pontificating and ostentatious means of expression. Personally, it annoys the hell out of me.


Before I Wake
by Robert J. Wiersema

This is the most recent addition to the "Everyone Needs To Read This" list of mine. I had the priviledge of listening to this author speak at a Random House event where I not only got a bunch of free books (BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!), but I even got my first edition copy of his signed! Oh YEAH! He said that his book was about "miracles in an age without faith", which I thought was a fascinating premise. It's about just that. A 3 year old girl from a non-religious family is struck by a car and in a coma. Those around her begin to think she has healing powers. Her parents then are forced to weigh any evidence and make a call on what to do about this while battling religious zealots, contending with the "pilgrims" that arrive on their doorstep, and attempting to cope with the terrible strain all of this has put on their marriage. It's an excellent book about what people can endure if they must and the grace with which some are able to deal with the challenges in life. While there is religious content, it does not advocate a stance on faith in any fashion, rather shows many different elements of faith. I read this almost-400 page book in less than 5 hours on friday night. When I say it's worth the read, I mean it. It was just released a couple weeks ago so it'll be easy to find.


Consolation
by Michael Redhill

This was one of the books that I got before it's release date from Random House (I love you RH!). This novel has an excellent story, real characters that you can identify with and gives a rich history of Toronto, which is fascinating. David Hollis is a geologist who proposes that something of great value was lost when a ship sank in Toronto's harbour some 150 years ago. With the shoreline drastically changing over that time period, he proposes that these valuable artifacts will be excavated accidentally during the building of the Air Canada Centre (called Union Arena in the book for obvious copyright reasons). He is discredited and with his failing health, takes his own life. His wife, in an attempt to gain closure, seeks sanctuary in a hotel, over-looking the dig site and waits...This novel does an excellent job of moving between the time periods seamlessly. I highly recommend the read, especially for anyone who is familiar with Toronto. An excellent story.


Fugitive Pieces
by Anne Michaels

Otherwise known as, old faithful. I've been singing this book's praises for YEARS! I've read it at least a dozen times and I love it more and more every time. Anne Michaels is a Canadian poet so her novel is very lyrical in nature. She is incredibly articulate and uses the english language the way it was meant to be used. The words are very sparse, and yet each word is so perfect that you picture everything clearly. It is so beautifully written that I've been known on more than one occasion to read sections of it aloud when I'm alone. I consistently have quotes from this book wandering through my mind...it's incredible. It's about a young boy, Jacob, who is hiding in his favourite spot when he hears the sounds of violence coming from elsewhere in the house. Terrified, he doesn't dare step out until he is nearly suffocating from smoke - the house has been set aflame. He steps out of the hiding spot and sees his parents dead, his sister nowhere...it seems WWII has finally reached his house. So he runs. He runs into the forest and hides for days until finally, unable to tolerate starvation any longer, he approaches a lone man who appears to be digging nearby. In the only phrase he knows in more than one language, he yells while pounding his own chest, "dirty jew, dirty jew, dirty jew". Athos, the old man Jacob has so bravely approached, hides Jacob within his coat, hires a car and flees with him to Greece. It is here that the story really starts. A story about the strength of human character, about surviving, adapting, coping, bravery, friendship and love. A truly remarkable story.


Ok, I think that gives everyone enough to read for now. Let me know what you think of these if you get a chance to read any of them! Until then, happy reading! :o)