Stargazer

"You're not the contents of your wallet."

2008-03-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

this little Fight Club quote was put to the test on friday night as my wallet was stolen from my purse, which was on the back of my chair at a nice restaurant. now, i'll give these people credit where credit is due - they were balls out on that one (or balls to the wall, for ted ;o)). after all, it's pretty hardcore to steal in that scenario, in a fairly busy restaurant. something that may have been a good idea though would have been for them to consult someone with an IQ over 85 who may have forseen that taking it mere moments before the bill came may not give them the kind of head start they would need to be able to spend all the money in my bank accounts, on my line of credit and max out the good ol' credit card. since they were severely lacking in having a "brains of the operation" (lucky for me) the only contents of my wallet that were of use to them was merely the cash. while that is annoying, it really wasn't that much and could have been so much worse!

when one's wallet is stolen, there are a number of things that happen. stages, if you will.

STAGE 1: obliviousness - you have no idea that anything is wrong so you keep on chatting away to your friend and arguing over who will be paying the bill (clearly Dani won).

STAGE 2: suspicion - you reach for your purse and realize that it feels too light, you look down and see the zipper only 3/4 of the way zipped and your OCD would never let you close a zipper in such a haphazard way. you start looking through your purse just in case you are somehow wrong in your assumption that it isn't in there. this often involves dumping your purse out on the table with reckless disregard for its contents.

STAGE 3: alerting those around you - for me this was a simple, "aw crap, some asshole took my wallet" to which my friend said, "are you sure? you might have just left it at home". oh, but i was sure. i had been in offsite meetings all day and when i got home, had taken everything out of my purse that i didn't need for going out for dinner. sadly, this did not mean my wallet. i then called one of the waiters over and asked if the people behind us had paid with a credit card in the hopes of getting his/her name and charging our bill to them (after we ordered far more, of course). however, sadly, it turns out that the people behind us had been initially seated in another area of the restaurant and had requested to move to the table behind me. after being there for about 10 minutes, they said they had to go find their friend and they left. unfortunately for them, they only had about a 10 minute head start on me.

STAGE 4: phone calls

a) the police - i called from the restaurant even though there's nothing they could do because placing an official report subsequently absolves me of responsibility for any spending done on my accounts. booya!

b) credit card - i looked up the number on my banking webpage from home and made the call. the stupid automated thingy gave 500 choices before getting to the one i wanted after asking me to enter my credit card number. awesome. then i press whatever number for "lost or stolen card" was and it asked again for my credit card number. seriously, why?! then the customer service chicky picks up and the first thing she asks for is my credit card number. at this point, i had no choice but to laugh and ask why they put us through all of this choosing crap if they don't filter us through to anyone special. in any case, that call was completed with no problem and no spending had yet taken place on my credit card. * note* this is likely due to the fact that i have written on the back of my credit card where the signature goes for them to ask for ID. a minor inconvenience for me, a difficult thing to get around as a thief.

c) the bank card people

bank dude: hello bmo, [whatever his name was], how can i help you?

me: hi, my wallet was just stolen so i'm calling to cancel my card and make sure no one's gotten to my account somehow.

bank dude: ok, i'm just going to ask you some security questions.

me: sure, go ahead.

he asks my name, permanent address and a bunch of other things

bank dude: alright, i've cancelled the card for you. is there anything else i can do for you today?

me: well yeah, i'd like to make sure there was no activity on any of my accounts this evening and i will need a new card at some point.

bank dude: it appears that there has been no activity on your cards since some time yesterday.

me: excellent.

bank dude: anything else i can do for you this evening?

me: uh, yes, i still need to arrange getting a new card.

bank dude: oh, alright, just go into any of our branches the next time they're open, show them 2 pieces of ID and they'll get you a new one.

me: but my wallet was just stolen. (long silence) so some random schmucks have all of my cards (pause) which is why i'm calling (another long silence) and that includes my ID.

bank dude: oh, you don't have another one?

me: you mean a spare wallet with extra ID in it just in case someone steals it from my purse from less than 6 inches away from my body? nope, can't say i do [keep in mind that until this point, i was in rather good spirits].

bank dude: hmmm, ok well do you have a passport?

me: why yes, yes i do. excellent!

bank dude: ok, well just go in to a branch with your passport and, i don't know, think of something else and they'll take care of that for you. have a great night and thank you for calling BMO bank of montreal. [click]

me staring at my phone. think of something else?! think of something else?!? awesome.

d) other bank dude for my student line of credit

other bank guy: thank you for calling TD Canada Trust, how can i help you?

me: hi, my wallet was just stolen so i'm calling to cancel my card and to make sure there haven't been any transactions on it yet.

bank guy: ok, i'm just going to ask some security questions. [he asks lots of them] alright, so would you like us to send your new card to your permanent address, or would you rather go into one of our branches to get a new one?

me: oh, just mail it to me please. i already have to improvise enough with my other bank.

bank guy: will do. i notice that you don't appear to have any other accounts with us, which is unusual. is that correct?

me: yes, it's just the student line of credit.

guy: are you satisfied with td canada trust's service?

me: [confused and hoping he isn't heading in the direction i think he is] uhhhh, i guess so. as you can see i still haven't used my line of credit so i can't say i've really had enough time to experience your bank yet to say for sure.

guy: well, would you say we give better service than your current bank?

me: i've had the same bank account since i was 2. they were bound to crap out on me once or twice in that time, however, i'm happy with my current set up. thank you.

guy: did you know that we offer a student chequing account that gives you up to 25 free transactions a month? you are a student, right?

me: yes, my understanding was that only students could get a student line of credit.

guy: well then, i can set you up with this account right now for your convenience.

me: [now laughing quietly to myself because i cannot believe this guy] thanks for the offer, but i have a chequing account already, so it isn't necessary.

guy: do you have a savings account? because we also offer those...

me: yeah, i have one of those too. i have no interest in switching my banking at this time.

guy: are you sure, because....blah blah blah [i'm laughing too hard to even listen and my friend Dani is yelling at the phone "do you REALLY think this is the most appropriate time to have this conversation?!"]

me: i don't mean to be rude, but it was this side of 40 minutes ago that my wallet was in my possession. if we're done here with cancelling my card and making sure those schmucks don't run up my credit, then i really have a lot of other important calls to make for which time is of the essence.

dude: ok then, if you change your mind please visit one of our branches.

me: i'll keep that in mind, i assure you. thank you for your help.

STAGE 5: improvising with your bank - i walked up to the 13 year old behind the counter and mentioned my situation and conversation with the previous guy that helped me out over the phone. after some rationalizing ("but i only have one piece of ID because my wallet was stolen. besides, isn't a passport the piece of ID that trumps all others?") i finally got a new card.

occasionally STAGE 6: nice person finds the remains of your wallet and tracks you down - on monday i got a call from work because they had just talked with a man who claimed to have found my wallet. it appears that he had found it when he was throwing cardboard in the recycling dumpster so he climbed in to retrieve it. luckily my security card for the system at work had a phone number on it - work's phone number! woo! so i got my license back, which i am the most excited about, however they did cherry pick a number of other cards out of my wallet.

Lessons learned:
1. people are fuckers
2. you'd be surprised how little anyone pays attention in a restaurant
3. the people you call when you are most in need of efficency, tact and intellect often lack some or all of those attributes
4. freaking out doesn't get you anywhere and neither does being cranky, so there's no point in either
5. improvisation skills can come in handy and be recommended at the most bizarre times
6. td canada trust apparently has an excellent student chequing account. who knew?
7. sometimes on the 3-year-iversary of living somewhere you are hit with the hard realization that you've overstayed your welcome
8. this is one way to get a free meal
9. replacing these things really isn't that much of a hassle and only takes a few minutes
10. little else in life is more satisfying than screwing over the assholes that steal from you
11. a good samaritan goes a long way
12. you can find inspiration for a blog anywhere!

A Little Known Use For Duct Tape

2008-01-14T17:49:00.001-08:00

Recent lesson learned: There are 2 kinds of girls out there: The ones who wish they had boobs, and the ones that manage to rip their shirt on a wall because their breasts are too large.
I know, I know....this is going to require a longer version of the story.

I was at work the other day and came upon a couple girls I work with engaged in a work-related activity that was blocking my way to the freight elevator. As the manager responsible for the receiving area, I really had no choice but to squeeze by. One of the girls was sitting in the doorway and leaned to the side to allow me the space to get by. I briefly hesitated with a Fight Club inspired consideration, "Now a question of etiquette - as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?" After a moment's pause, I elect to slide along the corner of the wall with my face to it.

As I, in all my stealth, attempt to sneak past, I hear the sound of ripping material. There is a look of confusion on my face as I ponder what I could possibly attribute that to. I straighten up and look down at myself to take an inventory of my appearance. There, in a moderate amount of its glory, was a significant amount of cleavage.

At this point a few different thoughts entered my mind:

1. What the fuck?! -- this is the thought I said out loud for all to hear
2. I really hope my shift is almost over.....oh wait, it's 3:30pm. CRAP!
3. Can this somehow turn into a sexual harassment complaint for the 2 people in the room with me and my partially exposed breasts considering the fact that I'm their boss?
4. I'm so glad that I wore a bra that's the same colour as my shirt....if only the fucking thing had ripped over an area where they would be covered, but noooooooooooooooo. It just HAAAAAD to rip right over the rest of it!
5. I suddenly have a whole new appreciation for Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction a few years back.

After dropping an f-bomb and starting to laugh, I inquired to my audience (while covering the hole in my shirt) how the hell that happened. The 3 of us studied the FLAT wall and realized that the small chipped bit of plaster must be to blame.

Now I ask you, does that seem a reasonable fate to befall me?! I don't think so. It's a wall, people - a WALL! At what point in time were we voluptuously-breasted women supposed to get the memo about walls being detrimental to the health of our clothing? We already know that running can be a challenge, and that the cute bras will never be comfortable, and that we'll never be able to wear a low-backed dress because we can't go bra-less, and that we can forget those cute strappy tank tops in the summer.....but now we have to fear the wrath of the flat walls we slide by?! This is the straw that broke the camel's already fragile back.

At this time, one of the girls chose to speak up in a voice of anger and demand that I appreciate that something so ridiculous could happen to me. Yes my dear friends, she was jealous! I have to say, with cleavage everywhere and having to come up with a suitable solution for the several hours of managerial work ahead, I wasn't catching her drift.

It would appear that women with modest cup sizes have a fundamental lack of sympathy for those of us who are well-endowed. From where I'm sitting, that's just as ridiculous as being jealous of someone who has nice feet, for tripping over flat bits of floor to the detriment of her shoes.

I, for one, refused to let this wall get the better of me. I raced up to the receiving area since all of the receivers should have been gone by now, to find an adequate solution to this problem. As the doors to the elevator open on the second floor, I am confronted by one of my male coworkers, who also reports to me. Wow, this just keeps getting better. Luckily, I had a book in my hand that I promptly held close in an attempt to save myself from additional lawsuits. He started talking to me and I just smiled and nodded while making my way over to the only thing I could see that might help me -- a price gun. While this guy's back was turned, I stickered myself enough that my flesh wasn't completely exposed. Apparently my cleavage was worth 5 easy payments of $27.99. Covering myself back up with the book, I decide staying here is too risky and haul ass back to the scene of the crime.

The girls look up expectantly upon my arrival, enthralled by what I might do next. I paused at the wall responsible for my downfall and gave it the kind of glare that I'm always astounded anything survives. Turning to the girls, I let them know about our pal upstairs getting in the way of me protecting future potential victims from suffering my fate. After much encouragement and a normal Mandy-sized rant, I was able to get the ladies laughing....something they were either too polite or too jealous to do in the first place.

Reluctantly, I build up the courage to sneak back to the Manager's office where I hope to find a suitable solution to my indecent exposure. The booksellers had suggested I button up the blazer I was wearing, but alas, the reason I don't button it up is precisely because I cannot (due to my breasts, once again) and even if I did, the rip would be right in the overflow section in the middle. Great if I'm posing in a men's magazine or standing on a street corner hoping to earn a few bucks, but not so great for portraying a professional image.

Out I dash to the office where I finally let down my book guard (thank you Pillars of the Earth) for my female co-manager's amusement. After a good laugh, I re-stick the price tags to the inside of my shirt to semi hold it together, sharpe the outside black to match my shirt and throw on one of the zip-up vests that the booksellers have to wear. Phew! I look 18 and will hold absolutely no authoritative power over our fru-fru-she-shee clientele, but at least I'm not giving them a show. Just as I'm thinking that I've gotten away with minimal emotional trauma, not one but TWO other managers walk in. AWESOME! And one is a man. Oh yay, more people with whom to share my tale of woe.

My resentment of the evil plaster not having simmered, I went on a hunt for something to stop this problem for good. That solution, my dear friends, was duct tape. Anyone going in or out of that room from now on will be rip-free!

Duct tape has saved my ass many times in life. I thought the low point was when I had to take some off my car to fix my purse....but alas, I managed to reach a new low. The other lesson learned? Never have a roll of duct tape further than an arm's distance away from you. You just never know when it'll come in handy.

Gift Giving Dos and Don'ts

2007-12-25T19:54:00.001-08:00

Christmas. That difficult time of year when we purchase presents for a multitude of people, all of whom we have a varying degree of familiarity with. What do you get that coworker? Or neighbour? Or that boyfriend/girlfriend we have this year? This last concern appears to be of particular importance to many of you out there, at least, judging from the stories I've heard. I don't presume to have all the answers, but I have learned a thing or two that may give some much needed insight.

Boys, boys, boys...I'm going to try to instill in you a little perspective on why some of those gifts may not have gone over as well as you'd planned. I know that you struggle with what to get, and some of you genuinely try hard and exert yourself to purchase that special something that will show us that you listen. I must agree that that's freaking adorable, however, you have to be careful to consider how our female minds are likely to twist such a gesture.

For example, despite the fact you think your lady is beautiful, you know she's not entirely happy with her body. She has all the usual issues that virtually all women suffer from in modern western society, but you want to show her that you have paid attention and are willing to be there for her. Christmas time rolls around and you think this may just be the opportunity you've been waiting for to be sensitive to her fragile body image and confidence. You *may* be tempted to invest in a high-quality, convenient, top of the line treadmill to assert your supportive position. This, my dear friend is suicide. While the gift may have come from a good spot, all your woman is going to see when she unwraps that delight on Christmas morning is a white flash of blinding rage. When she finally snaps out of her almost crippling anger, she (assuming she hasn't killed you yet) will promptly begin to sob uncontrollably.

What does this mean for you?

Best case scenario: singlehood.

Worst case senario: have you ever seen "Saving Private Ryan"? Picture the first 15 mins of that without an ounce of the glory and instead of a beach of lots of wounded men, it's just you....dying in a hundred different ways.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Pfffft, I would never be that stupid. What kind of idiot would do that?". Well, before you get all high and mighty you might want to take a moment to consider your history of reactions to your girlfriend or wife's concerns in that arena. I'm sure that you too have thrown the dice and lost in the game of making her feel good about herself. Now I'm not suggesting the onus is all on you. After all, the fairer sex is virtually impossible to please and there's really no "right" thing to say or do under these circumstances, I'm just simply trying to help you not screw yourself over completely.

I think it's safe to say lesson 1 is complete : No giving gifts that could, however innocent, make her think that you find her repulsive and/or think she's a fat, ugly cow.

Onto lesson #2...&3.

It's your first Christmas since moving in together and you have no idea what to get her. You race out on December 23rd, like all the other men you know, to do some shopping and notice on your way past Shopper's Drug Mart that they have a pillow with little suction cups on it so it'll stick to the bath tub. This seems like a brilliant plan since your lady likes to take baths to unwind. You are thrilled and race home to wrap it. When you put it under the tree, however, you do notice that there are an awful lot of presents under there with your name on it and you've only come bearing this one. You've got it!! You broke the antenna on her car a few weeks ago and had bought a replacement you hadn't bothered to put on yet! You'll just wrap that up too!

What you're thinking: "Even with waiting til the last minute, I've managed to get her something she can use AND something that she definitely needs!"

What she's thinking when she opens it after you've opened your stocking and new leather coat:
"Are you fucking kidding me?! Is it at all possible for him to have put any less thought into this gift?! I mean, if you're going to pay $15.99 for something, at least have it be something you made with your own hands. And the antenna for god's sake!! I wouldn't have needed a new one if you weren't so fucking clumsy in the first place!"

The Christmas joy: You'll be lucky if you get so much as a frosty glance in your direction for the rest of the day. Your punishment, no doubt, will be sitting down to have a "bath pillow" conversation every single year for the rest of your life just before the Christmas season rolls around.

Lesson #2: Shopping using gut instincts is good, but it has to be tempered with at least a modicom of thought.

Lesson #3: Don't turn something you owe her anyway into a Christmas gift. It just doesn't count.

Onto another lesson...

You are out shopping with some friends and come across a great deal on a new kitchen appliance. Tragically, it's nothing that's actually required since the current one works fine, but you decide to pick it up anyway. You *could* just put it under the tree from Santa for the whole family, but you didn't really know what to get your wife anyway, so it looks like her shopping is now complete.

What you're thinking: "Yes! Ba-bam! Wife's gifts now complete. Since she does all the Christmas shopping for the kids and all of our family and friends, all I have to do is whip up a stocking and I'm ready to rock. " You then commence quietly humming Christmas carols to yourself.

What she's thinking when she opens it: "......Oooooook, this must just be the box he used to wrap the gift in. Oh.........nope, there's for sure a microwave in here. *sigh* This is ri-goddamn-diculous! He has one person to buy for, ONE and he can't manage? Why is this MY gift? Am I the only one using it?! So not only does he have no intention of ever cooking, BUT he now has no intention of even reheating the left overs?! FUCKER!!"

Christmas joy: Your wife's disappointment translates to bitchy looks and comments, and probably an argument or two.

Lesson #4: If you aren't buying something with her in mind specifically, perhaps you should reconsider. If it's particularly extravagant, maybe having a conversation with her about that just being your gift to each other would be appropriate. Volunteering that she take one for the team without consulting her may not be worth it.

One last thing to consider....

You're feeling neglected in the bedroom because you don't think your lady is putting out enough, so you take Christmas as an opportunity to go to the local bookstore and air out your issues with your relationship to the nearest bookseller. You then ask her what book you can get for your girlfriend for Christmas that will tell her to have sex with you more often.

What the bookseller is thinking: AWKWARD!! Did you ever think that maybe YOU'RE the problem, asshole??"

What you're thinking: I sincerely have no idea what you're thinking or why you could ever think that's at all an apporpriate thing to do.

What she'll think if she opens it: "Uh, right. So you're unhappy with me, our relationship, you're broadcasting the shortcomings of our relationship to strangers in public places, and you've gotten me a gift that is actually a gift for you. You want me to read this so I can satisfy you more. Yeah, celebrating the birth of Christ should REALLY be all about you getting laid."

Christmas joy: You will likely never find yourself in bed with this woman again. If you do, it'll be a Christmas miracle...likely one for the Christmas after the one you're currently celebrating.

I hope this has shed some light for you on appropriate gift giving etiquette. This all being said, getting gifts is not the most important thing in the world and it should never be the focus of any relationship. The focus should always be on the giving. Afterall, why give a gift if it isn't coming from the heart? And it is that, my dear friends, that many women react to - feeling as though the gift was purchased just to get her off the Christmas list and not because you actually wanted to give her something thoughtful. As long as you sincerely do that, you have nothing to worry about.

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and all the best in 2008. :o)

Psych Evaluation

2007-12-08T18:32:00.001-08:00

For those of you who are unaware, I commence studies for my Masters in psychology in a few short weeks. I figure nothing would be better than actually setting up one of these quiz things to see just how bang on I am before I even take any classes. I sense that my increasing knowledge will be directly related to loss of friends once the pursuit of this degree is fully underway. People seem to be nervous about my "ability" to figure them out once I've attained socially sanctioned credentials. What I hope to show in this post is that I, in fact, have had everyone figured out for some time; often within mere minutes of meeting someone. So please, pull up a seat or perhaps some kleenex, and let's get in touch with your inner self (maybe I'll even reveal an appropriate treatment plan).

Ok, everyone knows how this is done. I'm going to give a scenario, and you need to pick one of the responses below as the most appropriate reaction/answer. Please score yourself honestly. At the end, you will tabulate your answers and find out what that says about you as a person.

DISCLAIMER: THIS TEST WILL NOT BE SANCTIONED BY THE GOVERNING BODIES WHO WILL, AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE, CHOOSE WHETHER OR NOT I AM FIT FOR COPING WITH EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE PEOPLE. TO THIS END, I MUST INSIST THAT ANYONE ENTERTAINING THE NOTION OF GIVING THEM THIS LINK AUTOMATICALLY SCORE THEMSELVES IN THE "D" SECTION.

Let's rock....

1. Antropov gets a hat trick. Your reaction to this is:

a) "Mwahahahahhahaaa [maniacal laughter], the day is mine!!"

b) A long period of stunned silence, followed abruptly with an F-bomb and the muffled sound of you vomiting.

c) You're impressed. Afterall, Nik's been waiting a long time and working hard for this payoff.

d) You wonder at what point magicians started getting air time on sports shows...in any case, if this "antropov" is that good with hats, you assume he'd be good at tricks in the bedroom too. You subsequently commence stalking him.

2. The Canadian dollar is above the American dollar for the first time in what feels like a million years. In response, you react with:

a) "Mwahahahahhahaa, the day is mine!!"

b) A swelling sense of pride in your country and a hearty "booya bitches!"

c) You were already prepared for this turn of events since you keep yourself educated in current events and economics.

d) You get swept up in the media of it all, hop in your car and floor it all the way to Chapters. Upon reviewing the price on all random books you pick up and discovering the US/Cdn price discrepancy, you promptly start yelling at every bookseller you find. Afterall, it is absolutely ludicrous that they hadn't gotten the books reprinted after seeing the news this morning, and besides, it's not like the US is a separate country or anything! IDIOTS!

3. Your significant other catches you in a blatant lie. Your reaction is to:

a) Unload a "you don't know, you don't know me" in your best day-time-talk-show-guest-from-the-trailer-park voice and hope he or she leaves it alone.

b) Try to lessen the pain on yourself by asking probing questions in an attempt to assess just how much shit you're in before you come clean. You then sit there and, more or less, take what you have coming.

c) Tears spring to your eyes and you immediately apologize and let them know that you've been feeling so bad about lying but you just couldn't find the right opportunity to let them know.

d) You're too proud (and by proud, I mean stupid) to come clean at all and instead you elect to exacerbate the issue by continuing to lie and picking a fight. Once you are pretty sure you've turned the tables around, you add the finishing touch by comparing them to a previous boyfriend or girlfriend that they know you have distain for in a particularly harsh manner (ie. I feel like I'm dating John 2.0....only you weren't an upgrade! You're like Vista...you know, you SEEMED like an upgrade but you're, amazingly, an even bigger pain in the ass!!)

4. A friend lets you know that it is the 27th anniversary of John Lennon's death. You respond with:

a) "Mwahahahaa, the day is mine!!"

b) "Oh my god, I KNOW! I can't believe the world has been without his genius for so long."

c) "Hmmm, wow. It's incredible he is still able to touch the lives of so many through his music"

d) "Johnnie in the who now? The only Johnnie I know is a Mr. Walker.....come to Mama."

5. Your daughter lets you know that she will be divorcing her husband of 20 years. When asked the reason, she mentions his infidelity and the fact that, if she's honest with herself, they haven't really been happy for years. You react with:

a) "He don't know, he don't know you!"

b) Giving her a hug and asking what you can do to help.

c) Letting her know that these things happen and that you support her no matter what.

d) You get angry with her for her deceit. How dare she and her kids lie to you all these years and trick you into thinking they're the perfect family! This is, afterall, all about you.

6. You discover without a doubt that your father's having an affair. You:

a) Curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb for the next 3 years.

b) Give the "other woman" a funny, yet, derrogatory nickname and proceed to make their lives a living hell in the most amusing and overt manner possible.

c) Confront him with your concerns and give him a chance to explain himself.

d) Get excited at the prospect of getting another mommy. Ohhhh, this means another person to buy you gifts at Christmas and your birthday! AND if you let them know you know, maybe the payoffs can start now....ohhh goody! Best dad EVER!!

7. You suspect that a friend that you work with is dating another coworker that you have a secret crush on. Despite the fact that you're living with your significant other, you:

a) Laugh maniacally

b) Sigh, and think "Ah well, at least someone cool gets him [or her]".

c) Are relieved. Now you can just focus on this person as a friend and not have to worry about your little crush getting in the way.

d) Slowly but surely you go about making your former friend's work life a living hell and sabotaging all aspects of their job amidst complaining vocally to whomever will hear you about the declining quality of work this person contributes to the team.

8. A friend tells you that they're going home to watch Liar Liar tonight. You:

a) Stare at them for a long period of time, totally silent until your friend feels so awkward that they leave.

b) Laugh and start whipping out lines from the movie in your best Jim Carrey voice (ie. "He's the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! He has his head so far up Mr. Allen's ass I can't tell where he ends and Mr. Allen begins. Simmons?! Simmons is old. He should have been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife. You've all seen her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets hammered and calls him a retard. You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hair piece is so bad I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off your head and bury it alive!! Idiot, degenerate, SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!"), followed by convulsive laughter.

c) Concur that it was a good movie and decide a movie night might be just what you need.

d) Think to yourself, if she wants to see a liar all she has to do is pay a little more attention to anything that comes out of your mouth.

9. A friend wants you to be their euchre partner tonight. You respond with:

a) Random gargling sounds.

b) "Oh YEAH baby! ba-bam, those other bitches are going down!! They'll be calling us Daddy in no time!"

c) "I can dig it. Sign me up!"

d) "Oh, I thought you'd never ask!". You then proceed to think about what all euchre involves. You're not entirely certain, but you think it's one of those fancy positions that are all the rage in those kama sutra books you saw at Chapters. You again curse Chapters under your breath for single handedly ruining your life. If they'd just embrace the US being our actual country and let you pay the american price, you would have had that book and would be fully prepared for the activities tonight is bound to hold. Upon more consideration, you wonder if "euchre" might be some sort of code for V.D.. Not to be outdone, you resolve to go anyway, but to stop by Chapters first to skim the book for clues.

10. You are walking down a busy sidewalk in one of Canada's biggest cities. You are:

a) Involuntarily mimicking some of the ridiculous walks from Monty Python.

b) Hauling ass and taking no prisoners Toronto-style.

c) Politely keeping pace with people around you, being sure to make eye contact and smile at anyone that passes you.

d) Acting like you are the only one in the entire city. You stop abruptly every time something shiny catches your eye, you randomly swerve in front of people and you open your umbrella with reckless disregard for anyone in your vicinity.

The Evaluation

Mostly A's

Analysis In all liklihood, you are missing at least one chromosome. In fact, I'm not even convinced you would have been able to read this blog so it is likely entirely irrelevant.

Treatment There isn't one, pumpkin. I hope for your sake that you're pretty enough to make up for your intellectual downfalls.

Mostly B's

Analysis Congratulations! You are, essentially, me! This is by far the highest honour one could have bestowed upon them. You are a warm, loving person with a wonderful sense of humour who is clearly destined for greatness. People have a hard time living in your shadow, but since they are anyway, they have to learn to cope.

Treatment Are you kidding? Who would want to change any of that?

Mostly C's

Analysis You are a nauseatingly well-balanced individual. You are the person that all of us wish we had scored as, but since we all answered honestly, we didn't. In fact, you're probably also under the age of 10. Enjoy this state of existence while it lasts....it is inevitable that you will be jaded by some fucker who takes advantage. Word to the wise? Never date.

Treatment You could take up counselling as a preemptive strike against impending doom, but really, you should just sit back and enjoy.

Mostly D's

Analysis You are, in all probability, a syphyllis ridden whore with noone in your life who actually likes you. Since you're a raging bitch, you won't agree with anything I'm saying here, nor will you seek the help I will presently suggest for you. Please do everyone in your life a favour and seek this treatment anyway.

Treatment A shot of penicillin and then run, don't walk, to my place as fast as possible. As soon as you get here, take a running swan dive off my balcony.

Now, if only I'd thought to submit this as my entrance essay I not only would have nailed acceptance to the program BUT they probably would have just handed over the degree instead of making me earn it. Ah well, live and learn. Should anyone want to discuss the things they learned about themselves here, please feel free to contact me. I suggest doing it before August 2009 when I can officially charge for the heart to hearts. ;o)

Mandy's 2007 Must Read List

2007-12-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

People have been inquiring about a follow up to last year's "Prostituting My Literacy" post about the year's best reads as experienced by moi. Since I live to give, I figured I'd better come through with a 2007 edition of great reads. Well, that and the fact that I feel moderately guilty about taking such long leaves of absence from paying attention to my blog. I apologize to anyone who checks it with any regularity whatsoever. I hope that this EXTRA good list and my 2 following entries this month will offer me some redemption.

I had lunch with a friend and former coworker the other day which was lovely, but it forced me to acknowledge that I haven't been doing nearly enough reading as of late. I actually came across a couple books this year that I loved so much, I just kept rereading them instead of actually picking up anything new. That being said, upon further consideration I realize that my reading list may not be as pathetic as I feared at first glance. I'll commence with the ones that were so good, I was compelled to read them 4 times each...this year alone. Here we go. :o)

The Time Traveler's Wife
by Audrey Niffenegger

This novel is so good that it nearly renders me speechless (astounding, I know). All I find myself capable of saying over and over again is "You have to read it". The premise may sound a little hokey, but I assure you, it's done so brilliantly, I actually had to force myself to take a few months off reading it.

Essentially, it's a love story. The main character, Henry, is a librarian who involuntarily and virtually without warning is thrust through time periodically. This time travelling is incredibly distressing, as I'm sure you can imagine should the same thing happen to you. This is an unfortunate fate that he first suffers as a child and is doomed to suffer for the remainder of his life. Through his experiences, he discovers that he continually travels mostly back in time and mostly to significant events he's experienced. When he is well into adulthood, he surprisingly finds himself making brief visits to his wife's childhood. He befriends Claire when she is just 6 years old. Henry becomes a significant figure in young Claire's life, especially since she lives life in the normal chronological way. Henry comes and goes throughout her childhood, leaving Claire longing for a chance to meet him in real time to start a life together. When this, in fact, does happen though, Henry has no idea who she is since he has not yet met her. It is fascinating to watch them fall in love twice...once from the perspecitive of a young Claire with Henry knowing all the answers, and once from the perspective of a 20-something Henry with Claire knowing all the answers. It is an enchanting and spellbinding story of the bonds we make and the depths of which we are capable of experiencing love. I seriously can't say anything at all to do this book any justice. Please just read it.

As an interesting sidenote, filming commenced for the movie adaptation in Toronto this past August. It stars Eric Bana as Henry and Rachel McAdams as Claire. I'm more than a little bitter about this since I would have wanted to be Claire, but whatever. In any case, please read the book, don't wait for the film because it will surely pale in comparison.

Lamb: The Gospel According to Bif, Christ's Childhood Pal
by Christopher Moore

Sweet mother of god, this is the funniest book I have ever read and I've read it a million times this year. I have also given away and sold so many copies that Christopher Moore himself should send me a personal thank you....or better yet, a signed first edition hardcover of the book. ;o)
I think the title gives you a pretty good idea of what this is all about. It follows the fictional life of Christ, or Josh as Bif calls him, throughout the years the bible doesn't follow. It starts when he's about 6 and follows him for the rest of his life. Bif is Josh's trouble-attracting sidekick and best friend in the whole wide world. They embark on a number of journey's together, many of which are actual events referred to in the bible, but with a fictional spin. This novel was very well researched and still upholds an appropriate level of respect towards Jesus, should you be concerned about that. It illustrates Joshua's struggle to figure out how to be the Messiah and his attempts at understanding sin (Bif's favourite part since it means he has Christ's permission to get it on with some ladies so he can recount what sin is like...all in the name of friendship of course). Bif has a huge crush on the Mary formerly known as "virgin" which Josh doesn't respond all that well to. "Don't let anyone ever tell you that the Prince of Peace never struck anyone". Moore is a master of his craft and downright flaunts it in this hilarious account of what Christ might have been like. I laughed out loud through much of this novel and I love, love, LOVE it!! Please do yourself a favour and read it. You won't be sorry. :o)

The Book Thief
by Markus Zusak

Oh, The Book Thief. This book can actually be found in the teen fiction section of your favourite neighbourhood book store, but that doesn't mean it is only appropriate for teens. I received this book from this year's Random House conference and couldn't wait to get started (more about this year's Random House conference below)!

This novel is narrated from the point of view of the angel of death during world war two. It is largely historical fiction, set in Germany and this loveable grim reaper takes a particular interest in a girl he comes across when he shows up to take her brother. He tells you of her life fleeing to safety, being raised by strangers, and how she becomes a book thief. It is an easy read, but a great one. It isn't every day that you get to hear about a girl that the angel of death is enamoured with. A great story about love, friendship, hope and making your own family when the ones you were dealt can't be with you. It was great.

The Year of Living Biblically
by A. J. Jacobs

Ok, this was also an advanced reading copy of mine that I'm so glad I came across! I knew of this author from his first work "The Know-It-All", which he wrote about reading the entire encyclopedia brittanica from A to Z, but I had not actually read anything by him. I'm not gonna lie to you, I mostly just wanted to read it because I was optimistic that it might help me control my urge to read Lamb a fifth time.

This is a non-fiction read, in case you didn't know that, and can actually be found in the biography section. A. J. was raised in a Jewish home and identified as a jew, but realized that he knew very little about the torah and what the bible really wants you to be doing. To this end, he decides to pick up the bible and actually read through all of it, marking down the rules he is to follow, as literally as possible. He decides to devote most of the year to the old testament, since it takes for-freaking-ever to get the rules down on that, and the latter portion adding the new testament learnings. What he finds is that there are an AWFUL lot of rules that are incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to follow, his wife doesn't appreciate being declared "unclean" for a week a month and forbidden from not only contact with him, but contact with any of the same inanimate objects, and most importantly, he gains an entirely new appreciation for any and all religions and the commmitment it takes to truly be a part of one. It was a really interesting read in which I learned a thing or two and I found that, between bouts of overt laughter that attracted attention from strangers around me, it made me think. It was a good read that I'd recommend to anyone.

The Other Side of the Bridge
by Mary Lawson

This author is better known for her first book, Crow Lake. I have read and enjoyed both, and would recommend Crow Lake as well, but there was just something about her second kick at the can that I found absolutely incredible.

For those of you that haven't read any Mary Lawson, she is an Ontario born and bred author who has set both her stories in fictional towns in nothern Ontario. Both books focus on something significant and tragic happening within the family that sets in motion an unchangeable series of events in the lives of the characters.

In The Other Side of the Bridge, she manages to create a very powerful story told from two different perspectives, in two different times focused on one person. One of these narrators is Arthur, the son of a farmer and the focus of the story. Told from his point of view as he's growing up in the 30's, we see his intense sibling rivalry with his brother, jealousy, and the paths both he and his brother must go on to survive their experiences first hand. The other is a teenage son of the small town's doctor who lives in the same community as Arthur, allowing us a glimpse at the man Arthur has become.

It is powerfully written, emotionally gripping and will not let go until you witness the last series of actions to drastically alter life for all of our characters.

Fifteen Days: Stories of Bravery, Friendship, Life and Death From Inside the New Canadian Army
by Christie Blachford

I am almost incapable of speaking about this book. In fact, I have found it so powerful that I have not yet even finished reading it, but still I will recommend with reckless abandon. I think that everyone in this country should pick up this book, if for no other reason than to truly understand what these brave men and women do for our country every single day.

Christie Blachford has written a breath taking account of life in Afganistan for our soldiers. Through countless interviews with our troops overseas, she was able to piece together 15 days of particular importance to our countrymen and it is told solely through their eyes. She is but a vessel used to tell the stories of these soldiers and their families. You watch the events through their eyes, seeing it so clearly it's as if you're sitting right there by their side. It is an incredible testament to the sheer will power, courage and humanity of our troops. The least we can all do is read it and muster up some newfound appreciation for what they do for us. I assure you, you will never look at or think about any soldier, past, present or future, the same way again.

More on this year's Random House conference:

Hitman

by Bret "The Hitman" Hart

For you wrestling fans out there, a club of which I cannot claim to be a part, The Hitman has a new book out about his life AND I got to chat with him! And I have proof! Woo!
--->

He has led a very interesting life and overcome some seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Bret is a fascinating, strong and articulate man...and I hope to be his next wife. Thank you Random house!! :o)

Ok everyone, I hope this offers you some direction in which to seek out your next reads. Should you desire any additional assistance, please do not hesitate to ask. Happy reading! :o)

There's a Girl in the Boy's Bathroom

2007-04-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

*anyone who gets that reference gets a high 5*

I am both shocked and appalled at an experience I had while I was home. Please, allow me to paint you a picture...

The Team of Terror and a couple girl friends of mine decide to rock out P-Town style one night while we were home. As many of you can attest, any amount of "rockin' out" in the 'Borough often includes alcohol, so you can bet that our evening did as well. Our first stop was to a friend's to visit and, for the non-DDs, pre-drinking. Then, and I'm ashamed to say it, we were lured unwittingly into Sin City due to the lengthy lines at the bar we wanted to go to and the sheer amount of time that had elapsed since last bestowing it patronage. After paying a truly offensive $5 in cover (for those of you that don't know, Sin City is bar so sordid that you feel oddly violated paying for the experience), we strut in like we own the place. Upon reexamining this bar after years of not having entered it, we promptly panic and feel dirty all over. Luckily, we are champions of making the best of things and, with a little help from Sir Mix-A-Lot, we hit the dance floor. A few songs and some funny photographs later we've had enough and decide to roll out to Petrina's to play pool and attempt to sweet talk our way up to The Junction. It is here that our story really begins....

Again, for anyone who is unaware, the Junction/Riley's/Petrina's is Peterborough's only bar that can lay any claim to so much as a modicom of class or standards. It is nicely laid out and decorated, you don't frequently get hit on by filthy men at least 30 years your senior, and it's a pretty safe bet that the percentage of people exhibiting psychological symptoms of their STDs is substantially reduced. In fact, they even have a dress code so even if the whorish chickies are out in full force (and they always are), at least they're wearing a little something. With all this in mind, I shall continue.

Since we just want to play pool, we are able to avoid the line outside and get right into Petrina's. Once inside, we break the news to the token male that he'll have to grab a table solo while we powder our noses. No, this wasn't your usual "girl posse to the bathroom" time, there was alcohol involved therefore, it's fair to assume an element of critical importance. The 3 of us practically sprint through the place to the washrooms. We race down the stairs only to realize that the women we see chatting on the staircase aren't just there trying to earn an extra buck from the men that pass by...oh no, they are in line. I, of course, am horrified and forced to unload my most notorious Mandyism "RIGODDAMNDICULOUS!" and promptly proceed to whine........and then! a glimmer of hope! The men's washroom door opens to reveal a mere 3 guys waiting inside! We look at each other, lay down a hearty collective, "F this S", and head in the direction of salvation.

Men, you needn't worry. We women are not stupid and have realistic expectations of the washrooms you use. We pay attention to the utter lack of cleanliness in your apartments, we take note of the fact that you'll wear the same socks day in and day out, we know there is an ever present pile of random crap in your closet regardless of how tidy the rest of your home may look; we know what you're capable of. Clearly us 3 girls are aware that the best course of action for us to employ is avoidance. Under no circumstances, no matter how much toilet paper we place on that toilet seat, will we actually be sitting on it - hovering is the only answer.

Only...what is this?! The door is still swinging shut from our bold entrance when we stop dead in our tracks, awestruck by what we are bearing witness to. The room is brightly lit, the mirrors are clean, there is a clear order in which the guys are permitting one another to use the facilities. That alone would be enough to pleasantly surprise us, but there's more... Laid out along the counter are various colognes! There is a container with no less than 20 different packs of gum and a bowl of mints! The men are good natured about us barging in on their privacy (though we were good about steering clear of the urinal area) and make a point of chatting with us. There are small, neat piles of folded paper towels, and...no, it can't be....oh but it is! Sweet mother of god, there's a man in the washroom HANDING OUT PAPER TOWELS!!! We are astounded. Our 20-odd years of life experience has ill-prepared us for the wonders we saw this night.

A few men behind us in line, in an attempt to capitalize on our brief moment of utter amazement and wonder, make a run for the next available stall, but they fail! Hahaha suckers! Getting beaten by a woman in the one sacred place a man should be free to revel in a modest amount of peace did not appeal after that and the other 2 of us were permitted the next available stalls sans confrontation. Thankfully we hadn't lost all sight of rational thought and each continued to employ our "hovering" tactic. After washing my hands and marvelling at the selection of goodies, I kindly received a towel from the nice smiling man and went on my way meeting my girls in the stairwell.

Before climbing up the stairs to continue our night-o-pool, I take a look in the Women's Washroom to see if it has changed since I last used it. Much to my chagrin, I note that it hasn't. It is void of the plethora of mints, gum and perfumes; there is the faint sound of saddness where welcoming banter from others using the facilities should be and, most tragically, it is bereft of a nice, friendly person to hand out paper towels. In fact, the only noteable paraphernalia is the mountain range of used paper towels stretching for (seemingly) miles. A stark contrast indeed to the posh boys restroom!

Up the stairs we trudge, curious about the inequalities we have witnessed, wondering in how many other subtle instances women are being debased, pondering the decision to spend resources equipping a restroom so fancily for a gender that would least utilize the blessings at their fingertips.... At least, I know this to be true as far as the use of the paper towels is concerned since I witnessed perhaps 1 in 5 men wash their hands - EW! Luckily we were able to exact our revenge in the form of kicking our alpha male's butt in pool (him sinking the cue ball at the same time as the 8 ball still means we win, ok? Geez.)

I am disillusioned and have thus resigned myself to habitually making use of the Men's facilities...at least in that establishment. I shall henceforth refuse to use the substandard Ladies room like a sucker!

Signs That You're Awesome: Part 1

2007-03-01T19:34:00.000-08:00

*based on true events*

If you are walking down the street with a stuffed nose and you plug one nostril to snort your snot all over the sidewalk in front of you....Let's face it, with our garbage dumps getting out of hand, resisting the urge to waste precious commodities (ie. Kleenex) is paramount and must never be forgotten. Oh strange man from my walk home, you are awesome.

Similarly, if you are on a crowded bus where people are literally packed in to the point of being unable to move and you feel the need to, not only cough, but hork up phlegm like there's no tomorrow with reckless disregard for those in your vicinity.....how can I be expected to deal with all the great and awesome people around me on my trips to and from work? Thank you ma'am, for showing me not only how to be awesome, but how to revel in my own femininity.

If you feel compelled to "shush" a book seller at the local bookstore while they're helping another customer because it's disrupting your reading of materials you have not yet paid for.....If it has books then obviously it should be like a library. I mean, it's not like it's a store or a place of business or anything. Thank you for blazing new trails in appropriate retail establishment behaviour. You, kind sir, are awesome.

If you arrive at the checkout with a stack of books not yet having decided what you wish to purchase, thereby holding up a lengthy line customers behind you for several minutes while you decide.....awesome. Double points if it's Christmas Eve

If you and your spouse drop your children (ages 3 and 7) off at the local bookstore in the kids section while you disappear for a romantic day on the town...you are a shining star in the sky of parenting; something to which all parents can aspire. The sun around which the universe of parenting revolves. Instilling independence early is key. Babying them will teach them nothing. You, my idols, are awesome.

If you propose to a cashier that they give you a refund now for the $300 atlas you bought weeks ago but you didn't bring with you (it's heavy, you know. You'll bring it by some other time...when...uh...it loses some weight?) and get angry when you're refused, asking "What? Don't you trust me?"......what is the world coming to when complete and total strangers haven't established some sort of deep bond of trust with you? Thank you sir for reminding us of the good hearted nature this world has lost. Your determination to be trusted is unparalleled and for that, you are awesome.

If the cashier helping you has to repeatedly draw your attention to the fact that your 3 yr old son keeps wandering dangerously close to the exit (which empties onto the busiest intersection in the city) AND has to snap you into reality when your child is taking a pee all over the floor directly in front of you.....you are AWESOME! It's remarkable how some people can manage to be the best parents in the world without even paying the slightest bit of attention to their kids. I guess it's just natural for some people.

and the finale...

If you are incredibly passionate about the in-stock position of a particular title to the point where it moves you to yelling at book store staff....You are truly awesome, the epitome of class and the light of my life.

The details of this incident would be better explained by an excerpt from a recent email I sent out. The recipient requested that it be posted in our next blog:

I was called to the front desk in my store to do some management "talk-the-customer-off-the-ledge-before-we-take-her-out-back-and-beat-her-within-an-inch-of-her-life" kind of service. It would appear that this customer, a woman no less (now I know the types that are giving us a bad rep), was livid beyond all reason because not only did we not have the book in stock that she wanted, BUT we had the audacity to not even have it on order. *sigh* So, I launched into explaining how even though it's a new title, there are millions of books and we can't possibly keep them all in stock in all of our stores all of the time, blah blah blah. Finally, only barely resisting the urge to jersey her and kick her out the front door, I looked it up for myself.................it was a self help book................for anger management. It was all I could do to not laugh at the sheer irony of it all. I can tell you that I was VERY sincere in my efforts to get her this book ASAP since it was quite clear she was in desparate need of whatever wisdom it could possibly impart.

and the encore

If you wait 2 1/2 months to update your blog....YOU ARE AWESOME!!!! :o)

F.E.E.L.I.N.G. C.A.L.L.E.D. L.O.V.E.

2006-12-14T23:10:00.000-08:00

I was just going through some of my old files on the computer when I came across a particularly entertaining one I thought was worth sharing, but first some background.

For those of you who don't know or are in denial, women really can be idiots sometimes (not that men can't, but there's no point in stating the obvious :p ). The one thing we are particularly notorious for is having a guy as a friend who is interested in us but for whom we do not have those feelings (or for whom our crush on his friend is stronger). Inevitably over time a slight interest builds, likely due to the fact that the guy practically worships us (a VERY temporary phase, sadly) and yet we still continue to say no to dating this guy. Now, this guy eventually either gives up hope or has a friend who talks some sense into him so he moves on. However, he does not really tell the first girl this 'cause there's still some lingering interest and it's weird....at least, until he's officially dating someone else. Inevitably, this is when the first girl decides that she really was interested and is now QUITE traumatized about how this all played out.

This exact thing happened to a friend of mine recently. Luckily she is one of the few of my gender that is capable of seeing when she's being silly and is very good at making fun of herself. We discussed how you can just never find the right Hallmark Card for this kind of occasion....so we wrote some.

So, for all you guys who have been in this position and all those girls who have been silly enough to do this to yourself, here is a little something that'll hopefully give you a bit of a laugh. Afterall, relationship troubles aren't all bad...they can be entertaining! :o)

(Front of card....middle of card)

"We are all searching for that warm, sensitive person to love....I'm not sure you're the one but when I'm willing to give you a shot, I'll let you know. Check your email often for updates"

"I've been waiting my whole life for a torrid love affair....you've been selected as a possibility. Feel free to convince me of your attributes"

"Loving you.........is a possibility. Be patient and we'll see"

"Someday if you're hot enough, I may seduce you...you may start counting the days now"

"Would it be wrong to end a friendship....if it meant you got to shink** me?"

*** 'shink' is a word my friends and I made up to refer to sex without being either uber serious or uber crass...just roll with it.***

"I've been waiting my whole life to find someone like you......maybe."

"You seem great.....would you mind waiting around while I figure out if that statement is significant to me"

"You seem like a great guy....I don't want another girl to sink her claws in so please wait for further instruction"

"I love the way you chase me.....please continue while I decide if I actually love you"

"You'd be perfect....if you didn't look like an ex."

"Let's be exclusive....well how about you exclusively think about me, and I'll get back to you on that one"

"You're a half-decent kisser...let me check and see if you're worth training"

"I don't know what I want....but I recommend waiting around to see if it's you"

"I'm totally attracted to your buff body......please stay tuned for whether I am attracted to the rest of you"

"You have been so sweet and patient....please continue to do so"

"I like having a boy want me....so keep up the good work"

"We could have a perfect life together....one sec while I decide if perfect is what I want right now"

"You think I'm pretty, funny and you love spending time with me....give me a moment to see if you're worthy of being on my arm"

"Your friends think I should date you.....I'm not sure yet if I think your friends are right"

"I was considering making you my man...but you went and kissed a hot girl. F you for not waiting"

"Remember that night when you told me I had all the time in the world to decide?.......LIAR!"

"Remember the time you were pining for me?... I liked that. Let's go back there"

"I'm considering dating you...knowing this, it's time for you to break it off with hot girl. You have 3 weeks"

"You gave me two months to come around....I'm giving you two weeks"

“You should have been more aggressive...it's your fault we aren't together"

"I just wanted to drop you a line to say....actually I have no idea what to say. Do you have any idea what is going on between us?"

"It's our 2-month-iversary of you waiting....here's hoping for many more months of continuing that trend"

"My mom would definitely approve of you....I don't usually side with her"

"It's hard to say what it is I see in you......no really, I have no idea"

"I think you're a nice guy....give me some time to decide whether or not you'll be good enough in bed to warrant upping my number"

"I don't want you be a rebound.....actually I don't know if I want you at all, but I swear I'll figure it out soon"

"Don't feel like you're my second choice.....technically you'll be my 6th"

"Consideration is an unusual quality to find in a guy....and it just fucked you over"

"I was raised to always see the best in people....unfortunately for you a lot of other fuckers have given me a jaded view of what might work out in the end"

"Your lack of disrepectful actions toward me have made me weary...I'm concerned you're a gaybo"

"You have never made me feel bad about myself.....I'm not used to that, please wait while I process this."

"You haven't tried to get in my pants....please wait while I figure out what that means"

"By kissing a really hot chick.....did you by any chance mean that you would still like to date me?"

"Just because I avoid you.....doesn't mean you should stop loving me"

"If you thought I was looking for someone else......you were right, but that didn't mean you were supposed to lose interest"

and the finale...

"Guys ruin my life all the time...and I thought you'd like to have a go. How does next friday sound? P.S. Don't forget to bring your artillery of baggage from previous girls who treated you like shit to take out on me and try your damndest to get in my pants too soon in the relationship. Thanks! See you friday!"

Good is Good

2006-09-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

Announcer: Allen and Mandy had the esteemed pleasure of being interviewed by a panel of celebrity musicians about the couple's thoughts on last night's concert. Our illustrious panel includes: Courtney Love, Ozzy Osbourne, Britney Spears and Robbie Williams. (Iggy Pop was also slated to be a member of our panel, however, his failure to submit his urine for the drug test forced us to exclude him.)

Robbie: For some reason, I can't seem to obtain the same massive success here in North America that I have in Europe. I blame blokes like this John Mayer character. His flowing locks, soft sensitive looks and funny faces while playing guitar apparently make him a hunk! How's the chubby guy from Take That (that's me) supposed to compete with that? I mean seriously, I'm clearly more manly in the areas that...WHAT? Why are you interrupting me?! Oh, apparently this interview isn't about me. That's got me balls off the rocker. Very well, *ahem* so, what possessed you to attend this concert involving Mr. Mayer and that foxy lady Sheryl Crow?

Mandy: Well Robbie, I have to say, I'm not entirely surprised by your apparent jealousy of Mr. Mayer's talent and success. Even if he wasn't a hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' love to look at, his excellence in guitar playing is a hotness few girls could resist. If you're looking to hone in on a bit of his fan base, I recommend that you drop the ego and grab an instrument. Once I saw that Sheryl was joining him on the tour, I couldn't resist the great show this promised. Let's face it, she rocks out better than any other woman in the industry at the moment.

Courtney: Um, excuse me, but haven't you heard of my band Hole?? Wait, am I still in that band? Hmmm....anyway, I've been around just as long as Sheryl. Hell, I've gotten around more! Oh wait, maybe I shouldn't have said that. I'd hate to set a bad example for my daughter. How come Mayer never asks to open for me? *sexy purr*

Allen: I'm a huge fan of a lot of music from the past decade but to be honest your "gold dust woman" tune was the only thing I can remember, and I'm fully aware that you covered Fleetwood Mac on that one. Maybe if you had a slew of classic chick rock tunes like Crow, you could share a show with another great artist, until then, I don't know what to tell you.

Britney: Can I just say, I'm looking so good today, and you are too Allen!

Allen: Umm, thanks.

Britney: Hello! Thats your cue to tell me how hot I'm looking these days!!!

Allen: Actually, you're supposed to be helping review the concert we attended.

Britney: I didn't attend the concert silly. I don't know when my next album will be out but it's gonna be great!!

Allen: What? No, no, Mandy and I attended the concert.

Britney: Y'know, Christina is only doing well right now because I'm having babies!

Ozzy: Issa this thingy on?

Allen: That's a banana Mr. Osbourne. There are no mics here.

Mandy: Ri-goddamn-diculous.

Ozzy: Oh well my then laddie, what am I doing here, here then?

Allen: You're helping Robbie, Britney and Courtney to review the concert we attended.

Ozzy: They've all decided to work on my next album? Fantastic now!

Robbie: Clearly this bunch can't stay on topic. Anyhow mates, lets get back to how good I am, much like that fellow and Foxy Crow you saw. Did they cover any tunes? Perhaps one of mine?

Allen: Sheryl did her rendition of 'The first cut is the deepest', it was solid as expected. She was alternating between acoustic and electric guitar while clearly having a good time on stage.

Mandy: Plus, she whipped out a bit of "Satisfaction" in the middle of...

Ozzy: Does anybody want to go out for cheeseburgers?

Mandy: Um, I was talking.

Robbie: Right then, shall we go off and find some birds to shackle up with for the evening Allen? You seem like a swell chap, c'mon let's bag some birds!!

Mandy glares at Robbie, and then at Allen

Allen: Uh, right. I think carrying on with this interview could really boost your exposure here in North America.

Robbie: Exposure! Well, I'm no stranger to that!

Britney: Me too!

Courtney: Am I going to have to show my jugs to prove who the woman is here?

Ozzy: I love cheeseburgers!!!

Robbie: How did Sheryl close out the show?

Allen: Out of nowhere she started unloading a cover of Led Zeppelin's 'Rock 'n Roll'. It was wicked, a highlight for me for sure!

Mandy: Yeah, I'm not a fan of Led Zeppelin, so I could have done without it. However, even I would say that she did a great job of really rockin' it.

Robbie: Did you know I regularly cover Queen's 'We are the champions' in my shows?

Mandy: (muttering) That doesn't surprise me, Princess.

Allen: Actually I did. I have one of your concert DVD's. I'm a fan to be honest.

Mandy: Oh goody, here we go.

Allen: What's that supposed to mean? Are you insinuating yet again that me loving Robbie and the Back Street Boys isn't manly?

Robbie: You like the Back Street Boys? Good god! Now, don't go lumping all us guys from boy bands together. I'm my own artist. Take That was a more exceptional band than BSB ever will be! I feel betrayed that I'm not the only boy band singer that you love, respect, admire and want to emulate, Allen. Deeply disappointed in you...

Ozzy: uhgdjsln fdlshglhiglen klskhfelhkjlgnk lahfd hfudksluylyguhlsjdh!!

Robbie: Riiiiiight...so, there's a question here suggested for me to ask, but I don't care for it much..right then! So how hot was Sheryl lookin?

Allen: Well she's got that long hair goin', and some heels. You'd dig it.

Robbie: Right mate! Doesn't much matter what you sound like as long as you're lookin' fine!

Courtney: I have a question. Britney, how can you be so skanky?

Britney: I'm just being artistic, but you can interpret it however you like!

Courtney: Clearly you're not getting my efforts to start a fight with you so I'm just gonna go ahead and dump this pop on you now!

Britney: Hey!!!

Robbie: You're going to have to take that top off now, it's ruined.

Britney: Yeah, I think you're right. Can you check if my bra is damp?

Robbie: Of course, a gentleman's prerogative!

Courtney: Let's head to the little girls room 'Brit', I'll fix you up REAL good.

Robbie: So close I was..a rare opportunity missed...

Mandy: Not that rare, I'm sure.

Robbie: Oh well, so any big tunes absent from the performances?

Mandy: Actually, yes. I was bummed that Sheryl omitted "All I Wanna Do" from her playlist. And since John's Heavier Things album was so awesome, I would have liked to see him do a couple more songs from it. How about you Allen?

Robbie: Excuse me, but I'M asking the questions there missy. How about you Allen?

Allen: I would have liked to see "Leaving Las Vegas", "There goes the Neighbourhood", "Can't cry anymore", "Sweet child O mine" and "I shall believe" but hey, I'm just being picky. I really don't know what she could have removed. It was all good, all sing along stuff, y'know? Course, her Bond tune "Tomorrow never dies" would have been awesome to sneak in there!

Robbie: Any closing comments Ozzy?

Ozzy: laksujsnfklduf snnkfl ahjshflsah *a-choooo* fhdshlfjdlsy fdshb ass that won't quit anohdkchsjdgy vydjs vjky bejkbtsjky gi djdoh spoon!

Robbie: Riiiiiight.

Anouncer: Stay glued to your computer screens for info about Mandy and Allen's next concert - SLOAN Oct 24.

Prostituting My Literacy :o)

2006-09-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

"Hello everyone. I'm Mandy, and I'm a readaholic."

"Hi Mandy", the support group chimes in...

It has been requested that I post a blog of recommended reads. Actually, it was intimated that both Allen & me would write a blog of that nature. This, my dear friends, is crazy talk. While Allen is incredibly intelligent, he'll only read things that either have pictures or are directly related to something that he can watch (ie. movie info), thus, he's not going to be much help. His suggestions would include any X-Men comics, cereal boxes and, of course, abysmal sports stats (please see earlier blog on antropov).

***Speaking of sports, before I go any further, I really have to digress for a moment - Andre Agassi. For those of you who don't know, he retired this weekend after being defeated by someone he totally would have had calling him daddy mere years ago. Even injured, he almost spanked this guy to move onto the next round. However, in the end, he was unable to push himself any more. His sportsmanship on the court and articulate nature make him a favourite among fans (though, winning all the time didn't hurt either!). He is one of the best tennis players of all time, certainly the best of his generation and will be inducted into the hall of fame at their earliest convenience. Notably, his wife has an even more impressive list of achievements (get used to it boys, the girls will often over-shadow you). Lucky for him, he never had to compete against her. He will be greatly missed and we're hoping that he and Steffi have their children on some rigorous tennis-training program. Read up on him if you feel compelled: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andre_Agassi

Ok, back to books. Being a Chapters biotch has given me the opportunity to read a truly offensive amount of books. Seriously, I couldn't name them all if I tried. However, I will pass along the best of the best that I've read this past year. They are in no particular order:

The Adrian Mole Series
by Sue Townsend
~ There are 6 books in this series and I read and LOVED every single one. They are as follows:

The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole
The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole
True Confessions of Adrian Albert Mole
Adrian Mole: The Wilderness Years
Adrian Mole: The Cappucino Years
Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction

This is a series of Adrian's diaries beginning at age 13 & 3/4 and continuing until age 35. He is a self-proclaimed intellectual who is blissfuly ignorant of the fact that he is a pain in the ass to everyone, especially his dysfunctional family, and it is hilarious. The books get funnier and funnier as he ages, but in order to truly appreciate the latter ones, you must have the foundation of the first ones. Totally worth the read. Light, fun and enjoyable. They are written by a British woman and set in England, so some of the humour would be even funnier for anyone who has ever lived or visited there, of course (which is why it was so popular there that they even started a tv series). READ IT!
Check it out at http://www.adrianmole.com/

Birdsong
by Sebastian Faulks

In all likelihood, this is the best book I've ever read. I connected with the character and story so much that I felt more like I was watching a movie than reading a book. When the novel begins, you meet a young Stephen Wraysford in 1910 staying with a family in France. It is here that decisions are made and actions are taken that propel the rest of the plot. When WWI hits a few years later, we are alongside him again, and let me tell you, you really feel like you're in the trenches with him. The writing is incredible! You picture everything perfectly, yet Faulks doesn't drone on and on in descriptions. I suggest you pay particular attention to the first portion of the book (the 1910 portion) as certain descriptions will be contrasted when war hits and his use of foreshadowing is excellent. A friendly warning to all that there are a few steamy love scenes in the first portion of the novel that may deter some, but I assure you, if you can get past that, it'll be worth it.

The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini

This is not a book I ever would have picked out on my own. Mom thrust it into my hand (rather forcefully, I might add) before we flew back to Vangroovy after our last visit home. Since it was much better than the book I had brought to read on the plane (I'll come back to this one below), I figured I had nothing to lose. Oh my goodness, SO GLAD I read it! To quote the author's site, it is "an epic tale of fathers and sons, of friendships and betrayal, that takes us from the final days of Afganistan's monarchy to the atrocities of the present." That's really all you need to know, and it's more than I knew when I read it, so just get the damn book and thank me later, ok?

***My reading on the plane experience - Allow me to paint you a picture...Mandy is sitting all cozy in her seat just after the excitment of take-off has worn off. As she sits, gazing out the window at the ground pulling further and further from her, she is reminded of the fact that gravity has been proven to her far more often than whatever physics allows a plane to fly. She tries not to think about it. She turns to her boyfriend, who might as well be sitting on the couch at home for all being a million feet from the ground bothers him, who's reading "Calvin and Hobbes: Attack of the Killer Snowmen". Mandy's wondering what she's going to do to pass the time when they announce the movie - King Kong. Mandy lets out an annoyed sigh. She's in for a looooooong flight! She'd rather be tied to the bumper of a car and dragged naked through a field of broken glass than watch that movie. Excitedly, she recalls that she brought a special book she'd heard was a great read with her. Saturday by Ian McEwan is revealed from her bag and she promptly cozies up to her window to begin reading...Chapter One...a plane crashes...CRASHES!?! CRASHES!! Are you frigging kidding me?! Welcome to my life. Needless to say, I did not finish this one until I was on the ground. For a quick review, there were about 75 pages that were excellent and the rest was a "I want the readers to know how smart I am" load of crappola. I wouldn't recommend it unless you enjoy pedantic, pontificating and ostentatious means of expression. Personally, it annoys the hell out of me.

Before I Wake
by Robert J. Wiersema

This is the most recent addition to the "Everyone Needs To Read This" list of mine. I had the priviledge of listening to this author speak at a Random House event where I not only got a bunch of free books (BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!), but I even got my first edition copy of his signed! Oh YEAH! He said that his book was about "miracles in an age without faith", which I thought was a fascinating premise. It's about just that. A 3 year old girl from a non-religious family is struck by a car and in a coma. Those around her begin to think she has healing powers. Her parents then are forced to weigh any evidence and make a call on what to do about this while battling religious zealots, contending with the "pilgrims" that arrive on their doorstep, and attempting to cope with the terrible strain all of this has put on their marriage. It's an excellent book about what people can endure if they must and the grace with which some are able to deal with the challenges in life. While there is religious content, it does not advocate a stance on faith in any fashion, rather shows many different elements of faith. I read this almost-400 page book in less than 5 hours on friday night. When I say it's worth the read, I mean it. It was just released a couple weeks ago so it'll be easy to find.

Consolation
by Michael Redhill

This was one of the books that I got before it's release date from Random House (I love you RH!). This novel has an excellent story, real characters that you can identify with and gives a rich history of Toronto, which is fascinating. David Hollis is a geologist who proposes that something of great value was lost when a ship sank in Toronto's harbour some 150 years ago. With the shoreline drastically changing over that time period, he proposes that these valuable artifacts will be excavated accidentally during the building of the Air Canada Centre (called Union Arena in the book for obvious copyright reasons). He is discredited and with his failing health, takes his own life. His wife, in an attempt to gain closure, seeks sanctuary in a hotel, over-looking the dig site and waits...This novel does an excellent job of moving between the time periods seamlessly. I highly recommend the read, especially for anyone who is familiar with Toronto. An excellent story.

Fugitive Pieces
by Anne Michaels

Otherwise known as, old faithful. I've been singing this book's praises for YEARS! I've read it at least a dozen times and I love it more and more every time. Anne Michaels is a Canadian poet so her novel is very lyrical in nature. She is incredibly articulate and uses the english language the way it was meant to be used. The words are very sparse, and yet each word is so perfect that you picture everything clearly. It is so beautifully written that I've been known on more than one occasion to read sections of it aloud when I'm alone. I consistently have quotes from this book wandering through my mind...it's incredible. It's about a young boy, Jacob, who is hiding in his favourite spot when he hears the sounds of violence coming from elsewhere in the house. Terrified, he doesn't dare step out until he is nearly suffocating from smoke - the house has been set aflame. He steps out of the hiding spot and sees his parents dead, his sister nowhere...it seems WWII has finally reached his house. So he runs. He runs into the forest and hides for days until finally, unable to tolerate starvation any longer, he approaches a lone man who appears to be digging nearby. In the only phrase he knows in more than one language, he yells while pounding his own chest, "dirty jew, dirty jew, dirty jew". Athos, the old man Jacob has so bravely approached, hides Jacob within his coat, hires a car and flees with him to Greece. It is here that the story really starts. A story about the strength of human character, about surviving, adapting, coping, bravery, friendship and love. A truly remarkable story.

Ok, I think that gives everyone enough to read for now. Let me know what you think of these if you get a chance to read any of them! Until then, happy reading! :o)

Unsolved Mysteries

2006-08-13T20:54:00.000-07:00

Case # 80 - How Does Nik Antropov Continue to Hold Down A Roster Spot On The Toronto Maple Leafs?

The Facts

HT: 6'6" WT: 230 Age: 26 Position: C/RW NHL Seasons: 6

Career Totals (thus far)- Goals: 60 Assists: 96 = 156 points

Why We're Baffled

-Let's do the math: 60 goals over 6 seasons averages out to 10 goals per season.
Now that may sound alright, but Antropov is expected to score and considering the fact that a fella by the name of Tie Domi (who spent half his career in the penalty box) averages 7 goals per season, something smells fishy here....

-Maybe the team likes this guy's endurance! Oh wait..There's 82 games in a season and he's only managed to stay healthy for more than 66 games twice...Nope, that's not it.

-Maybe the team likes this guy's versatility since he's listed as both a centre AND right winger. Hmm...good thing thats listed on most hockey web sites cuz if you watch this guy in action, you'd have no clue which position he plays! (Does he know which team he's on?)

-Perhaps the organization values his size! At 6' 6" you'd think those long legs would get this guy around, yet once he comes over the boards he seems not to be battling the opposition, but rather his own personal pool of quicksand. Gotta be that intimidating 230 pound frame!! Wait a second, we've NEVER seen him bodycheck anyone.

As Nik Sees It...

We've asked the world's top telepaths to let us in on some of Antropov's thoughts while on the ice this past season. They are as follows:

- "This is the game that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends..."

- "Man, I can't wait for the off-season when I can revel in my love of salsa dancing, my true calling."

- "No, YOU shoot the puck Domi! Just because you're science's greatest find as the missing link doesn't mean you can shout commands at me from the penalty box you scary little ape."

-"----------------------------" (the sound of air rushing through as his teammates skate past)

- "Oh Mats, you've really got to chill out. No need to exhaust yourself. Haven't you heard? We haven't made it to a cup final in ages! Don't hurt yourself trying to get into playoffs! We'd only be wasting a spot for a team who has a snowball's chance in hell."

- "Aw crap, which goal are we shooting at again? Dammit! Why do we have to switch ends every goddamn period?? F this S, I'm putting it in the one closest to me, and if you don't like it, you can suck it. Either way I get my 1.2 million! Mwahhahhaha."

- "Uh oh, Sundin's calling out 'That red 97 play again' and I'm thinking ohhhhh, THAT'S why they wanted me at the last team meeting....I doubt it'll matter much; we're only down by one and we have at least 2 innings left."

-"Man, why won't Quinn put me in for shoot-outs? Has he forgotten so quickly the time I kicked the puck in with the back of my skate when I didn't even know it was there? If that's not talent, I don't know what is. So what if I keep dropping my stick? I clearly don't need it!......................why won't anyone pass to me?"

-"OFFSIDE!?! What the hell is that? Stupid NEW NHL with their stupid NEW rules..."

-"Uh oh, my shift's coming up again...time to head down to the locker room to 'get my equipment checked'. HA! Can't pin this loss on me, mofos!"

-"I'm taller than Sundin....why not captain am me?"

- "Oh Quinn, you're such a drama queen! Your career is not riding on this!"

We've figured it out!

This hockey franchise values the players that are sleek, smooth and give a real showmanship to the sport. The kind of man that makes hockey look as graceful as ice ballet. This guy, my dear friends, is Mr. Nik Antropov. Gretzky, Lemieux, Howe, Orr, eat your hearts out.

DISCLAIMER: Nik, if you're reading this, it's nothing personal. We recognize the positive aspects of your technique and we are confident that it's simply a chemistry issue between you and the rest of the Leafs team. We're sure you could excel playing elsewhere. No hard feelings, it's all in good fun. You may not be the best Leaf, but as long as Domi is around, you're in absolutely no danger of being the weakest link. Uh oh, what's that Allen? Domi's not coming back?! Well, in any case, it's important to realize that not everyone can be the Leaf's top scorer for the season...apparently just the defensemen who step up 'cause you forwards can't seem to get your crap straight can do that. Thank you McCabe for giving us all hope this past season. Antropov, take a couple lessons from Bryan. He'll show you the ropes.

***On a totally different note, we'd like to thank everyone for the nice comments they've been leaving. We're happy to see that people are enjoying our blog! :o)

V for Veracity

2006-08-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

V for Vendetta

Starring: Natalie Portman, Hugo Weaving, Stephen Rea, John Hurt
Director: James Mctigue

THE GOOD: This movie, although seemingly an action flick, is really more of a political drama, which is why I'm inclined to almost label it as brilliant. Rarely does a film justify in advance so thoroughly why action scenes come to pass. Visually, it's also solid, the images will remain in your mind long after viewing, and each character comes across as distinctive and unique. The story is strong, and character development is also put at the forefront.

THE BAD: I've noticed I've become a real stickler for pace, and this film slows a tad in the middle. Yet it's a tradeoff since without it, the story wouldn't be as fullfilling so I guess it's all good.

THE UGLY: As I've previously stated, this movies solid.

VERDICT: The Wachowski Brothers, who wrote this film, previously brought us the absolute mess known as the Matrix trilogy. The first film was brilliant, the second average, and the third a disappointment. Thus, although i'm tempted to say I'd like to see some sequels to "V", I'm concerned they'd just ruin this one too. However, if you thought the first Matrix was great for it's uniqueness, you'll likely appreciate this film in a similar fashion. Another likely purchase for me at a reasonable price.

RATING: 4.5 (out of 5)

***Mandy's Review :o)***

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."

This is just one of the many thought-provoking quotes in this movie. It has elements of 1984 mixed with the real-life stuff that went down in Hitler's Germany making it reminiscent of a time that we've endured before, ultimately lending itself to a forseeable circumstance in the future. V, like any movie of it's kind, is designed precisely to comment on what could be and the importance of recognizing that before it's too late to fix; and, of course, what is the case now but perhaps in more subtle ways. It was nothing short of brilliant.

As expected, the acting was perfect. Yes, I went as far as to say perfect. Natalie Portman (my generation's only current hope for giving rise to a "Meryl Streep" among all the "Kirsten Dunsts") was exceptional. I believed every word she said and she did an incredible job of showing how much her character changed through the course of the movie. This is expected of her, since she's always incredible, but still, it is noteworthy. As for Hugo who played V, he was also incredible! Acting with a mask on is no easy feat, and he did it so well that you were oblivious to the mask the majority of the time.

The story is entirely solid and well within the parameters of believability. An excellent job is done of giving sufficient background for the characters' lives and the political environment that gave rise to this particular circumstance. Rich in story and appropriate action where applicable. I'd go as far as to say this is the best movie I've seen this year, perhaps the best movie of it's kind, and definitely the best movie based on a graphic novel that I've witnessed...and that's saying a lot since I like movies based on graphic novels!

I have nothing negative to say about it. The parts Allen felt were slow-moving I found interesting due to the amount of story being offered to me. You simply MUST see it. In fact, if this sounds at all like something you'd totally love, save yourself the money of renting it and just buy it when it's being sold as previously-viewed. I know I will...if i can wait that long!

Star Appeal: ***** without question

The Chemistry Majors Are At It Again!

2006-08-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

THE LAKE HOUSE

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, and Christopher Plummer
Director: Alehandro Agresti

Review by Allen:

THE GOOD: The fact that Keanu and Sandra are in a movie together again!! After their explosive chemistry in the classic 'SPEED', over a decade ago, I'd been itching to see these two in a film together again. (Should have been SPEED 2 but Keanu opted not to reprise his role, likely after reading the craptacular script, anyways..)I love these two actors so this movie would have to be really poorly done for me to have not enjoyed it. It even has solid tearjerker moments (thank heavens I was in a dark theatre, "sniff, sniff,") Acting chops are showcased in this film in my opinion from two big names known for carrying blockbusters with little depth, here though they show why they are leading actors. I won't get into too much because I don't want to ruin it for anyone!

THE BAD: Nothing for me here, but if you're someone who doesn't care for the lead actors, or supporting cast members like Plummer (playing Reeves' father) you could perhaps find the film a bit slow paced. To be honest though I've seen action films that take longer to go anywhere.

THE UGLY: Not applicable

VERDICT: I plan to buy this movie for a reasonable price, there's just too many things about it not to like, and I've dug Bullock since I was like, 15, so yeah, I'm sold! Take a chance on this one, you shouldn't be disappointed!

RATING: 4.5 (out of 5)

***Mandy's Review :o)***

Mmm Mmm Good: Well, I doubt there's anyone on the planet that would disagree with me when I say that the chemistry Sandra and my beloved Keanu share onscreen is exceptional. This has been true since Speed and did not disappoint us last night. There's just something about the way they interact that makes it seem so natural; a lot less like you're watching a movie and a lot more like you're just watching the lives of two people. Needless to say, I enjoyed the film quite a bit. It sucks you in quickly and you find yourself really connecting with the characters and the story.

In fact, I liked it so much that I don't even have anything negative to say, either about the movie or Allen's review of it, this time. :p

Listen Up: This movie will most certainly be a part of my collection when the time comes. I suggest you drive/walk/run to the nearest video rental place on September 26 to enjoy the dreamy Keanu, who has much improved his acting, and the beautiful Sandra who never seems to disappoint.

Star Appeal: almost *****

"Hot hot hot, or cold..."

2006-07-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

Those of you that are familiar with the series of SNL skits "Celebrity Jeopardy", you'll recognize our title. For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, for the love of god, let me know 'cause i'll send you a copy of them. Soooooo funny. I'll give you a bit of background on this one....

It is set up as a satire on Celebrity Millionnaire. If you've ever had the unfortunate experience of sitting through even part of that steaming pile of poo, you'll remember that once famous people are on the show, the questions are simplfied almost to the point of idiocy. However, SNL takes it to a whole new and hilarious level. In the skit that I'm referring to, the disillusioned and slightly suicidal/homicidal host Alex Trebec (played appropriately by Will Ferrell) annouces that they'll be having a video hint to help them figure out whether the steaming cup of tea is hot or cold. Ricki Martin salsa-type music starts blaring and he appears in his usual attire dancing all about singing "hot hot hot, or cold. Hot hot hot, or cold".

There is a ridiculously long silence because none of the contestants know the answer...

Trebek: Noone knows if the hot tea is hot or cold!?

Another lenghty silence before Keanu buzzes in.

Trebek: Oh, thank God. Keanu.

Keanu: Is it iced tea?

Trebec responds exasperated: No! It is hot tea!!!

Keanu: Well then, I have no idea.

Hahahaha. Seriously, it may not sound like much typed, but it's frigging hilarious when you're listening to or watching it.

The whole point of this huge digression is simply to say that in light of the heatwave, we've been far too lazy and unambitious to actually write a blog. We've gotten as far as saying, repeatedly, "Gee, we should write a blog" but as I'm sure you've noticed, we have not. So sorry for the wait! It seems to be cooling down to normal summer temperatures so we should have something brilliant for you soon! :o)

Trebek: I'm going home to put a gun in my mouth.

This is *Mandy*...over and out....

P.S. It makes our lives when you leave comments so YAY! :o)

Crime Stoppers: Team of Terror Edition

2006-07-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, you guessed it, we are crime fighting prostars! It might be all those superhero movies we've been watching lately, or it might be that we are unequivocally badass. Then again, we are neglecting the hopelessly obvious possibility that we are, in fact, superheroes. Anyway, on to today's riveting story...

Imagine us grudgingly making our way down to the laundry room totally unaware of the fact that our previously mundane afternoon was soon to get a little more exciting! We make our way over to our washing machines and just outside the window, crouched down by the wall/fence thingy by the pool was a 35ish man hiding out like a 5 yr old playing hide and seek. "Hmmmm, interesting," I thought, "You've gotta feel totally comfortable with a middle aged man huddling in bushes right beside a pool where children are playing...oh, wait...NOOOO!". Allen and I exchange "WTF?" glances but say nothing since the window right beside the man was open. We contend with our laundry, all the while try to figure out what this guy's up to. He seems to be totally unconcerned by the fact that he's been caught doing whatever the hell he was doing and so we head back up to our apartment.

Once up on our 11th floor balcony, we noticed that he was still out there, in more or less the same spot, but was not watching the pool. Instead he seemed to be waiting for someone or something, crawling through the bushes in the most pathetic attempt at being incognito. So, in our brilliance, we grab our digital camera and make excellent use of the zoom feature to hone in on this guy (now mom, i bet you didn't forsee this use for the camera you gave me...but it works great!).

While Allen moonlights as a photographer & private I, I make my way down to our landlady's apartment to inform her of the situation. Of course, she isn't there.

Upon my arrival back to our apartment I'm informed that several pictures have been taken and that he seems to be actively making his way along the building.
Sure enough, I look down to see him crawling across the ground like he's in a war movie and all I can think is "Ummm, that doesn't hide you from the 4 apartments on this side of the building of EVERY floor!" Anyway, I grab the phone and call the non-emergency police #, which I've since programmed into our phone, 'cause you never have that damn # when you need it.

While Allen continues to photograph, I report this guy to the friendly policewoman on the other end of the phone. Since we were able to look right at him while giving a description, we gave one of a true champion, if I do say so myself. As I'm on the phone with the officer, dude keeps givener along the building until hopping over the cement wall and into the loading zone where a pickup truck is parked.

Gee, this doesn't look conspicuous does it? We conclude that he is seriously considering taking this truck, except that our alley is pretty busy and people often walk up and down it, thereby forcing him to take cover in some fashion. He peers in the windows and is crouched beside it for several minutes before moving on.

He jumps the cement wall on the other side of the loading area for some unknown reason, and continues his mission. Now, I have no idea what he was up to, but his reconnaissance skills leave much to be desired. I mean, if this was happening in the middle of the night, he would have been fine...but it's 2 pm buddy. What are you thinking? In any case, he continues whatever surveillance he was preoccupied with and at this point, every possibility has entered our minds, from him trying to steal the truck, to him planting a car bomb, to him being a stalker, to him wanting to jump someone, and none of these were particularly comforting.

Needless to say, we were relieved to see the cops pull up before he left the area. They did a very good job at sneaking up behind him and I was impressed that they had 4 officers to respond to the call. I mean, I realize that this is a big city and the police officers have very important things to tend to, but you never know what these wackos are thinking. I'll be damned if someone's going to stalk about outside my apartment building without having to provide an explanation to the proper authorities. As well, once they cuffed him and were taking stuff out of his pockets, we noticed even from all the way up on the 11th floor that one of the cops had removed a switch blade from his pocket.

We stood on our balcony, phone in hand and camera dangling from Allen's wrist in a truly victorious fashion while he got hauled off in the paddy wagon. I think we'll all sleep easy tonight knowing that he at least had to give a damn good reason for what he was up to and if we see him around here again, or if anything bad happens, at least the cops will have some idea of who might be behind it.

And that's all for this edition of Crime Stoppers: Team of Terror Edition.

Your favourite neighbourhood T. O. T. signing off....

Good night and good luck.

Who better to review a movie than us? No, seriously...

2006-06-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

INSIDE MAN

Starring: Denzel Washington, Clive Owen and Jodie Foster
Director: Spike Lee

ALLEN'S REVIEW:

THE GOOD: This film does well in believability, it has some originality, and benefits well from Mr. Owen, who's fairly new to movies over the past few years, and brings something new to the table. Christopher Plummer and Willem Dafoe show up as co-stars, thus filling out a competent cast keeping you essentially interested in everything going on.
Spike Lee is known for adding in moments where the police show off their idiocy and lack of respect for the rights of citizens in a situation the cops know they're being showed up in by the bad guys. Quite amusing.

THE BAD: I've seen quite a few bank robbing movies in my time and this one keeps things simple, yet would have benefitted from a quicker pace. The strong cast keeps things rolling, but it just seemed to take too long at times to get to scenes you knew had to come along in time.
Can't say I cared for the choice of music either, for me it just didn't fit the style of the film.

THE UGLY: Jodie Foster. Anybody could have played her role. Considering how little she seemed to contribute to how events unfolded, I wonder why she was cast. I kept waiting for her big moment and I was still waiting once the credits began to role. Yes she's....a good actress...but considering Denzel didn't bring anything new either, it was more like dual disappointment from those two alleged 'stars'.

VERDICT: Enough going on to keep me entertained I suppose, but considering the names involved in front of the camera, and behind, I expected more. I tend to be tough on films too though..Can't say i'd care to watch it again, let alone own this film. It was decent.

RATING: 3.5 /5

***MANDY'S REVIEW***

mmm mmm good: that'd be Mr. Owen. i mean honestly, there's just something about him...in this movie he's pretty badass. he's smart, he has a great accent, he's brooding in a hot kinda way and i would say that he makes the movie. it's interesting that i so willingly watched him as the good guy mere weeks ago in "Derailed" and yet i sat in the theatre last night thinking "well holy crap. it's go time now". a very formidable antagonist for denzel who was over-shadowed by the lesser known actor...surprise? i think not, but i'll save that for another section.

the storyline was solid. i remember wondering about 20 minutes into the movie what on earth they were going to do with this to make it interesting to watch for 2 hours, but i wasn't disappointed. perhaps that had a little something with having paid a mere $4 for a double feature at Denman Cinemas last night (side note - my new favourite theatre!), but i do believe they were onto something with this movie. it had me squirming in my seat when i recalled my brother's somewhat imminent employment by the metro police force (it's not too late josh! the world needs accountants too!), which is usually a good sign with these movies as it indicates a level of realism.

it's good to be bad: dear denzel washington, you are a beloved icon in the world of acting. you are a handsome man, a prepared actor and good at bringing yourself to your roles. my only real complaint is that you're yourself in ALL your roles. i accepted you in the role you were playing because i've seen you do it so many times! it's about time that you, me and the Academy had a little sit-down to discuss that oscar of yours....please contact me with an appropriate date and time. p.s. if you get me a role in your next movie, i'll reconsider the meeting with the academy and will even post a blog taking back anything on here that you disagree with. thank you for your time.

spike lee. i think for an african american man, he has a unique perspective on policing that lends a certain amount of credibility to interactions between some individuals in the movie and the cops they are dealing with. on one hand, this disappoints me because i have an immense amount of respect for law enforcement officials and i don't like to see a negative image of them spread among the greater population, infecting the minds of impressionable people; it concerns me. however, i would say that he likely didn't go overboard in any fashion... i would also like to comment on his depiction of african american relationships. in a world where we get all our information about everything from forms of entertainment like movies, it's interesting to me that a black director would propagate racial sterotypes. it's in subtle ways, but have you ever noticed that a black couple is always focused on sex wayyy more than anything else? i mean, they try to sell it as just love, but it's more than that. when the focus seems entirely on sex, or at least what we see of the relationship on camera seems to be, it makes that race appear animalistic to an extent. this hardly serves to the benefit of that race of people, or to any people for that matter, but to each his own....i've probably just spent too much time in sociology of media classes. in any case, he doesn't have any trouble finding work for himself and his name brings movie goers to the theatres, so it's working for him.

damn baby, you not ugly, you FUUUUUGLY! this is where i comment on allen's review....HARSH! what does it take to impress this guy?? honestly. i mean, did jodie foster blow me away? not at all, but she never does so i let it go. in fact, as we were walking home from the theatre i had to ask allen what her job title was because it wasn't even made clear in the movie why she had the pull she did.

listen to me instead: ok, so my final thoughts to share with you on this matter is that the film is well worth the watch. i think many of you will enjoy it. i would watch this again if i was with someone that hadn't seen it before. i also wouldn't be inclined to purchase it....but then again, i'm poor. and even if i wasn't poor, i'm a cheap ass, so realistically, it's not like i really bother to buy movies anyway.

star appeal: * * * *

mandy and allen

2006-06-13T20:56:00.000-07:00

welcome to our new blog! we'll be figuring out what the hell we're doing soon enough. til then, my friends....